Donkey Trousers

A masssssssivvvvvveeee Thank You!

2011-12-21T23:14:00.000Z

I've not been the best blogger lately. I've already said I haven't been reading many blogs, and those I have read I haven't commented on. However, I still love my blog. More importantly, I love the friendships I have made through my blog. The people I never would have "met" without my blog. To me, you are all great and I want to thank you all for being very special people.

I promise I will write a post over the holidays detailing the events of the past month - some of which have been good, some bad and some wonderfully lovely.

Merry Xmas to one and all,

Spencer.

What to say?

2011-12-15T22:46:00.000Z

It feels like I've been away from this blog for such a long time. I feel a little naughty for not reading or writing. Maybe, I should go and stand in the corner?

Even though I'm here I don't know what to say.

So, I will just say I hope you are all well.

Am I doing this right?

2011-11-21T21:30:00.003Z

Just lately I've been finding myself asking the question, "am I doing this right?"

I don't wish to sound a neurotic Woody Allen type but, I guess, on some levels, that is exactly what I am and that is causing me to question whether I am actually any good at this life thing.

I have begun to wonder if I am to life, what my mate is to common sense. My mate is the cleverest person I know but, when it comes to common sense, he makes a camel looked gifted. At a time when I am trying to make life simple, I seem to be making it more and more complicated without having the first idea how I'm managing to make such a tangled mess.

As my regular readers will know I decided to take a break from the dating scene, at least whilst I sorted my head out, and concentrate on developing friendships. In that respect things have been going great - or at least that was what I thought until Saturday night when my friend declared that she, "loved me."

By my reckoning, in the past 12 months, three women have told me they love me, one woman hasn't (obviously, more than one hasn't - but, hopefully, you know what I mean?) and one has displayed hatred towards me (yes, my relationship with the ex-wife is still strained!).

Is it just me that makes this sort of complicated mess?

A reversal of fortune!

2011-11-18T19:35:00.002Z

Towards the end of my marriage, and with just a little encouragement from my ex-wife, I decided to have a vasectomy. At the beginning I wasn't entirely comfortable with the decision but my ex-wife was positive that we wouldn't be having anymore children so it seemed the right move.

However, over these last few weeks I've been feeling decidedly broody. I don't know if it's because of the beautiful new born pictures that VBC has been posting, because it feels like a time for new beginnings or, perhaps, I just love being a dad but I do know I could get quite excited about the prospect of a little baby in my life.

Today, I even looked at the prices of reversal procedures.

Strange times!

Am I alone in getting these feelings? (I don't think I've ever had them before even when I was about to become a dad).

Catch-22

2011-11-15T21:06:00.002Z

I love Catch 22 - everything about it - it is possibly the finest piece of literature I've ever had the pleasure to read. At any one time there is always a quote from it circling around in my overloaded brain. However, just lately this one has been surfacing the most:

"Yossarian: He was very old.
Luciana: But he was a boy.
Yossarian: Well, he died. You don't get any older than that."

I like to think that my friend had a good life, a full life and an enjoyable life but, I keep coming back to the fact that he didn't have a long life and I didn't get the opportunity to have one last drink with him. It's only when I lose someone that I realise how much they mean to me.

RIP my friend.

PS. Learn a lesson from my friend and don't forget to take out that a travel insurance policy. It is costing his family a fortune getting him cremated in Thailand.

It's two o'clock, it's Saturday and it's time to....

2011-11-12T14:51:00.001Z

get drunk!

Care to join me?

Appropriate blogging subjects?

2011-11-09T21:03:00.001Z

Just lately I've been wondering what are appropriate blogging subjects. Is it appropriate, for example, to blog about the following:

a) The end of relationship and the upset that causes?
b) The start of a new relationship and the excitement and apprehension that causes?
c) The sudden, and untimely death, of a close friend and the sorrow that causes?
d) The ever changing relationship with an ex who also happens to be a parent to your children?
e) The enduring love for a child?
f) Emails that you've received criticising your previous blog subjects?

or should blogging be kept to "safe" subjects, for example:

1) Product reviews,
2) Charming stories about cheeky statements made by your children,
3) Veiled digs at other bloggers,

I'm not entirely sure. What do you think?

Also, I read a lovely little quote from John F.Kennedy which goes as follows:

"The Chinese use two brush strokes to write the word 'crisis.' One brush stroke stands for danger; the other for opportunity. In a crisis, be aware of the danger - but recognize the opportunity."

The day I realised I'm the better parent!

2011-11-06T22:21:00.002Z

I'm not a competitive parent but, being divorced does, sometimes, make you feel like you've been thrown into a competitive arena in which your parenting skills are pitted against those of your ex. Normally, when this happens, I just throw the towel in and concede defeat,

"Oh, I see, you don't need to go and see Father Christmas at the Co-op this year as Mummy is taking you to the North Pole!"

"Yes, I do like that miniature Mickey Mouse you brought me Daddy but, the life size talking and dancing one Mummy brought me is so much better!"

"Why don't you want me to take you ice skating anymore? Oh, mummy has booked personal lessons with Torvill & Dean!"

"Yes, I know mummy is a much better driver then daddy - it goes without saying dear!"

However, today I had my moment of glory. I sat my little kids down and asked,"

"Who fancies a game of top trumps?"

They looked at me puzzled and said,

"Top trumps daddy? What is that?"

"What, mummy has never taught you top trumps?"

"No, daddy!"

Well, imagine the enjoyment I derived showing my offspring the pleasures of top trumps.

In fact it was so much fun that I am thinking of developing a new line of top trumps entitled,

"Parent trumps!"

Looking at life in a different way!

2011-11-02T22:54:00.000Z

Just lately I've found myself feeling happy. This shouldn't be a huge surprise as I've been lucky enough to spend most of my life in a state of happiness. However, this last year has felt hard. But, I've realised that is because my perception has been wrong.

Of course:

A) This time last year I had a job that I loved whereas I now have a job that I complete. But, at least, I am lucky enough to have a job - and a well paid one at that!

B) The year has been tough in terms of relationships. But, whilst things may not have turned out how I have wished, I have some wonderful memories of times that I spent with a lovely lady.

C) I have on going issues with the ex-wife that are impacting upon my ability to be the father that I want to be. But, at least I am always striving to be that father. I may not be perfect but I am me - and I would do absolutely anything for my little ones.

Today, I walked around Birmingham, a City I have known all my life, and saw beauty where I once would have seen decay.

Life is beautiful!

A sign of global warming?

2011-11-01T19:06:00.000Z

When I was in my youth (yes, only a few years ago) I used to listen to a small band. Some of you may have heard of them - they go by the name of U2. They were my favourite band for many a long year. I used to love their song October which had the lyrics:

"October and the trees are stripped bare of they all wear..."

The full track can be heard here:

When I was walking in the park today (November 1st) I couldn't help but notice that the trees, whilst they are in the process of losing their leaves, were far from stripped bare. Could this be another sign of global warming? Or, is this just the best Autumn ever?

I, for one, have certainly enjoyed the beautiful and vibrant colours.

E & J - Daddy loves you and misses you!

2011-10-29T17:10:00.001+01:00

I actually typed this post over 12 months ago but with the ex-wife experiencing one of her mania periods it seems a relevant time to post it.

When my ex-wife decided that our marriage was over, packed my belongings, removed me from the house and moved her new lover in, I knew that I would miss my kids. I don't think I ever realised just how much.

I love my kids. I hate not seeing them everyday. I need to see them more. Feeling half full is no fun.

My friend asked me....

2011-10-25T22:54:00.000+01:00

...if I wanted to go on a speed dating evening.

"Yes, bring it on" said I, "I may as well be rejected by 40 women in one night as well as one."

"No" she said, "just be honest and you'll do fine."

So, I thought about it. In summary I have 1 minute to introduce and sell myself. Within that minute I have to be honest. After careful consideration I have come up with the following,

"Hi, my name is Spencer. I am a slightly neurotic, deepthinker with a tendency to overcomplicate my life by dating whilst still under the influence of others. I love wine, cheese, olives, literature, art and more wine. Do you fancy going out with me?"

What do you reckon my chances are?

My new love is a little bit sexy!

2011-10-24T21:09:00.001+01:00

Well, it was bound to happen at sometime. After moping around for too long I got myself out there and found myself a new love.

This new love is a little lighter then the last one, a little bit smaller but, equally, as sexy. In fact I would say she is a real head turner. She fills me full of wonder and awe. She gives me the capacity to learn new things and delve deep into my consciousness.

I love her.

Ladies and Gentlemen,

I give you my new love,

Feeling a little bit broken......

2011-10-23T09:34:00.000+01:00

I learnt all I know about women from my dad!

2011-10-19T20:34:00.004+01:00

I must have typed this whilst still under the influence of alcohol and left it as a scheduled post. I'd forgotten all about it until I saw comments coming in. I did think about taking it down but, instead, I hope you enjoy it:

The other night I got a little drunk with my dad. One of the drunken ramblings went a little like this:

"I loved her dad. I loved her so very much."

"I know you did son. You gave it your all but, it's time to move on."

"I know dad. I just wish I knew what went wrong."

"Sometimes, you never will son. They're a breed apart."

"I loved Han you know, son?"

"Really?"

"Yeah, the first, and only, woman I've loved since your mum."

"Then why did you finish it?"

"That Doctor was sniffing around - they're probably married now."

"You mean Phil?"

"Yeah, I had no chance against him. Good looking, good job - it was just a matter of time before I got the old heave-ho. I let her go so she could be happy. They are probably married now."

"But, Han never went out with Phil? She didn't see anyone after you - or at least not for a long time."

My dad thought for a while, then looked at me and said,

"I love you, son."

"I love you too, dad" I replied.

Although, on reflection, I maybe feeling a little more like this....

2011-10-19T19:28:00.000+01:00

Just lately I've been feeling like this....

2011-10-18T20:17:00.000+01:00

It can take a moment to shatter a child's confidence but a lifetime to fix it!

2011-10-16T12:18:00.001+01:00

Last night I was drinking and today I'm suffering. So, as I lay in my bed I grabbed my phone and took a stroll around the blogosphere. It is rare that I look to extend the blogs that I follow. I don't follow many but, the ones I do, I love and I can devote the time to reading them but would struggle with many more. Today, I stumbled upon a new blog, and a particular post, that was clearly moving for both the person writing it and for me reading it.

The post was by Some Mothers Do Ave Em and can be found here. The post tells, in a very moving way, the concern of one mother for her son. It made me cry a little - so please go and read!

It also triggered a memory of mine and, if I may, I would like to take you on a trip into my past. To the period just after the the ex-wife and I had split and the hostility levels were such that I felt uncomfortable attending the school parents evening with her. However, I did have concerns for my daughters education so I contacted the school and asked if I could pay a visit some other time. They duly obliged and I arrived at the school early one morning for a one to one with my daughter's teacher.

There were so many questions I wanted to ask:

1) How can it be that my daughter has suddenly gone from the top of the class to the bottom?
2) Do you think that she may suffer with dyslexia as she seems to be finding it very difficult to pick up reading?
3) Do you think her confidence has been dented as a result of my split from her mother?

I'd asked the first two questions and, whilst the answers I received would turn out to be totally incorrect, it was the answer to the third that changed my perception of this particular teacher.

After I asked, "Do you think her confidence has been dented as a result of my split from her mother?" the teacher looked at me and replied,

"No, not at all. In fact I have had to tell her not to put her hand up to answer questions in class as no-one can understand her." (As well as the dyslexia my daughter suffered, in the early days, with a speech impediment).

The answer to this question came like a blow to the head from Mike Tyson. It winded me. I looked down at the small table, to the ground and then around the classroom. I was in a daze. I looked anywhere but, at the teacher. I was shocked to hear such a thing. I was angry. I looked down some more trying to compose my thoughts. I stayed like that, motionless on the outside, furious on the inside for what seemed like an eternity.

I looked back up at the teacher. I didn't mutter a word but my face must have told the whole story. She sat back in her chair. She looked a little apprehensive.

She looked into my eyes and the apprehension turned to worry. She could see that I wanted to grab her by the hair and throw her around that classroom! She could see that I now, firmly, believed that she was the root of my daughters cracked confidence.

I didn't throw her around the classroom - the fact I had been brought up to respect teachers wouldn't allow it. Instead, I stood up, thanked the teacher for her time, shook her by the hand and walked out.

I felt shaky. I sat down on a concrete step and started to cry.

I knew then that the confidence of my daughter had been fractured and that it would take many a long year to rebuild it.

I love my little girl.

It made me wonder.

2011-10-15T11:11:00.002+01:00

Having read Tatties post about the thin veneer of domesticity displayed by dogs I got to wondering where, if I had been born a dog, would be my status in the pack. (Don't ask me why I would ponder such things, just accept that I am a little bit weird!)

When I was a kid, and was allowed to choose a puppy, I didn't want the pushy pup, or the barking pup, the aggressive pup or, even, the playful pup. No, I wanted the oddball that was on his own, the pup that was less confident then the others, slightly uneasy on his feet, some would say a little gangly. The other pups would push him around and he would just look at them, let them get on with it and think to himself, "hmmmmm." This pup didn't push himself forward, he didn't bark and he didn't fight. This pup was the runt of the pack.

Having considered it now, I realise that I wanted the runt because he was a reflection of me!

What would you be?

Is it strange to love a tree?

2011-10-12T21:35:00.002+01:00

I pass this tree everyday on my way to work. Normally, I am travelling too fast to stop and take a photograph but the other day I was stuck in a traffic jam and managed to take the picture below.

In truth it does the tree no justice at all but, I still love this little tree. I love the way it stands on it's own, it stands tall, it stands proud, it watches as the other trees bend in the wind. This tree, however, always maintains an air of dignified grace.

Whilst you cannot see it this little tree is home to a beautiful barn owl, a family of field mice, two hares and a vole. No common ore garden squirrels are allowed near. No, this proud little tree has his standards - and those standards must be maintained!

This little tree gives me a lift on my way to work. This little tree makes me smile. This little tree wipes away the gloom.

I love this little tree!

World Mental Health Day

2011-10-11T08:07:00.001+01:00

This post was meant to be published yesterday but, due to issues with my internet connection, it is here today:

When I was seventeen I sat with a group of my friends in the crematorium watching as one of my friends lay in front of me in a coffin. As the coffin passed into the flames his girlfriend shouted out,

"I still love you, R."

At the time I thought to myself, "You selfish bastard, R."

But, the truth is this wasn't the act of a selfish man. Instead it was the act of a lost soul. The final act of someone that had lost hope and didn't know where to turn. How else could you blow your mind out in a car, in the middle of car park, in the middle of Coventry?

A few years later my ex-wife would complete her studies and became a Doctor of Neuroscience. Or as I would affectionately refer to her "a fruit and nut Doctor".

But, the truth is she wasn't a fruit and nut Doctor as I so eloquently put it. She was instead a doctor specialising in the chemical imbalances that can naturally occur in the brain. I was the misguided fool as she would so often point out.

Move on a few years and I would witness the nervous breakdown of my friend and work colleague. They were sad days. One of my, less likeable, colleagues would tell me that, "they had tested him and he was found wanting."

But, the truth is he wasn't found wanting. The truth is he cared so much that he let himself be dragged down by a project that was failing. It was the systems of my employer that were found wanting.

A few months later and I would suffer myself. I had a few setbacks that all seemed to come at me at once, some would say I had my annus horribilis. It felt as if I had lost my footing on the ladder and at the same time someone was stamping on my hands as I clung on to the rungs. It was a rough time. I found myself feeling lethargic and yet at the same time I had to be active. My chest was pounding and it felt like my adams apple had moved an inch higher and was trying to choke me. Words floated around my brain like killer bees stinging my being and leaving emptiness where once there was joy. I didn't feel in control of my life or my destiny. On a number of occasions, and by different people, it was suggested that I sought help for depression.

I was worried - enough to consult a doctor. Enough even to consult my ex-wife! As it happens I wasn't suffering depression. I was suffering a blue patch that everyone goes through. I'm still not entirely through it (my adams apple still seems to move during the night!) but I am getting there.

But, it was enough to give me an insight, a glimmer, into the pit that is depression. I can only imagine how awful it must be to live with this illness and I can only be grateful that I don't.

For a proper insight into how Mental Health issues affect people go and read Dicky's post (unfortunately, my Internet connection still isn't working so I can't link the post but you can find Dicky on my blogroll).

I went on a date!

2011-10-09T10:29:00.000+01:00

I'm finding this dating game more and more difficult. After the disastrous encounter with A I'd decided to turn celibate for a while.

However, I met a lady at a bar (she was a friend of a friend) and we hit it off straight away. Things were going great. We had a first date, quickly followed by a second. On the second date there was the first kiss - it was nice.

On the third date I picked her up from her house. This is where it all went downhill. I asked to use her bathroom. At this point I didn't know I was anal. In fact I thought I was anything but anal, however, when I saw her toilet I could have heaved. I realise now that I am anal when it comes to toilets! My toilet is regularly scrubbed clean - the rest of the house may be a mess but my toilet is spotless! Her toilet, however, was caked in brown limescale. Even though I only wanted a pee I couldn't force it out - my stomach was churning.

So, I just flushed, washed my hands and walked away. I then descended the stairs where she was waiting for me. She reached out for a kiss and - I couldn't! I avoided the moment as all I could see was the filthy toilet - I found myself disgusted at her toilet and her!

Now, we have had date four and I cannot bring myself to kiss her. She asked me, "Do you even like me?" and I answered, "Yes."

I wanted to say, "Yes, but please clean your toilet!"

Either she's as mad as box of frogs or I am?

2011-10-07T20:31:00.001+01:00

I was on my way to pick the kids up tonight when the ex-wife phoned me,

"E doesn't want to see you and J is poorly."

"What's wrong with them?"

"Look, I'm not judging you but I think they are."

"What do you mean judging me?"

"Well, how many girlfriends have you introduced them to in the last year?"

"Err, well none actually."

"Yeah!, there are 3 that I know of."

"I haven't introduced anyone as a girlfriend. I introduced J as a friend as I did S and A."

"The kids aren't stupid!"

"What? J and I didn't show any affection in front of the kids and S and A are exactly what I said - friends!"

"Yes, well the kids don't want to come. Goodbye!"

She then hung up!

Am I out of order?

Struggling!

2011-10-05T20:14:00.000+01:00

I've been struggling these past few days. I don't really know why but, I do know that when work gets on top of me everything else seems to become an issue.

I have decided to find more time for myself but, time to myself can be a little lonely.

I guess I still have a lot to learn.

Just lately I've been inspired to cook.

2011-10-03T21:07:00.000+01:00

Despite the fact I seriously considered becoming a chef when I left school I've never really done any cooking of note since. Sure, I've made the odd roast dinner in my time but nothing exceptional.

But, I think that is all about to change. Something has awoken the desire inside me to cook. I'm not really sure what has caused this explosion inside of me but I have been watching a new cooking show lately. Here is a picture from the series:

For the life of me I can't understand why this particular programme has reignited the desire inside me - after all I think that cake looks awful! What can it possibly be about this programme that attracts me?

A story about a boy who is, just a little bit, like me!

2011-10-02T21:37:00.000+01:00

If someone had asked me yesterday,

"Are you scared of heights" I would have answered,

"Yes, I always have been."

But, that wouldn't be the truth. I haven't always been scared of heights. In fact I can remember the exact day and moment when my fear first appeared. I was about 4 or 5 years old, about the age my boy is now, and had been on holiday with my parents when we visited Portland Bill. My father and I decided it would be a good idea to climb to the top of one of the lighthouses. In fact it was this lighthouse:

When I had climbed about half the stone stairs to the top I looked out the little slit window on the side, saw how high I was and panic descended upon me. My legs turned to jelly and I refused to go any further. I collapsed to the floor and clung to those stone stairs as if my life depended upon it. It was the most awful feeling. Up until that point I never had a fear of heights - since that point I have been constantly fearful of them.

Today, I witnessed the same fear awaken in my boy. He had climbed to the top of a very tall slide, when he arrived at the top he took a look around, his legs turned to jelly and he refused to move. I had to climb up and carry him down. The feeling inside me at that very moment was just as awful as the feeling I experienced all those years ago.

I would love to know if there are any methods to assist him overcome this fear - any ideas?

A different take on life.

2011-09-30T07:01:00.000+01:00

I've been feeling guilty lately.

Guilty that things aren't going as well at work as they should be.

Guilty for dating before I was ready.

Guilty for not being able to spend as much time with the kids as I would like.

Guilty for not being able to get to see my Nan.

It almost feels like I've been feeling guilty about feeling guilty.

And then last night, as I had dinner with my two colleagues, one of them said to me(completely out of the blue),

"You know what your problem is Spencer? You don't do anything just for you - for fucks sake be selfish for once and just do something for you!"

Now, I feel guilty for not looking after me!!

I received a text from the ex-wife...

2011-09-27T19:11:00.000+01:00

...which read,

"It looks like E might have her first boyfriend, a little boy called Louis, he came for dinner and a play tonight."

I wasn't entirely sure how to respond so went with,

"Hmmm..."

She then said,

"His parents are friends of ours - they run the Willow Tree."

I didn't say it but I thought,

"HMMMM..."

Not only does my daughter have her first boyfriend but his father is the landlord of my local pub! So, that would be the same man that has taken my bar orders for the past few months. The same man who I have had many a drunken, and very possibly one sided, conversation with!

I'm not sure how I should feel about this?

I don't want my little girl to grow up and, I certainly, don't want her to grow up this quickly!
She should be out making daisy chains, skipping and playing with dolls - she shouldn't be having boyfriends!!!!

And my ex-wife shouldn't be friends with the landlord of my local!

And what exactly does, "and a play" mean?

Advice

2011-09-26T21:14:00.001+01:00

I've been ~~writing~~ scribbling this blog for over a year now. I think the actual anniversary was in June sometime. At the time I did think about it but, it didn't seem an achievement worthy of acknowledgement.

However, in that 12 month period I have been given some great advice from some wonderful people. People that are stationed all over this small planet of ours. People that I now consider friends (even though I have never met any of you). I, sometimes, wonder how different this blog would look if I had started it a few years earlier. It would chart the failure of my marriage, the darkest days of my divorce, my re-emergence from those days and my development as a father. Perhaps, if I'd had my blog back then, some things would have turned out differently? Perhaps, not? Who knows?

Anyway, in celebration of my one year anniversary I thought I'd share some of the pearls of wisdom that have remained with me:

1) T - "You can't catch a ball whilst your hands are full."

2) Mrs K(ellogsville) - "If you can't say something nice then don't say nothing at all!" (although, I think she may have stolen that one from Thumper).

3) Shammy - You'll never produce an honest days work if you're stuck in a job that you don't like! (Shammy has given me so much good advice - it is because she is old and wise! (she has a 40 year old son you know!).

4)Erin - "Just be true to your heart and do what feels right."

5)Tattie Weasle - "As for looking at the past, we all do that sometimes you need to get it all out in order to move on, so do it. Write it down, then it is finished and you can go forward."

6) Mrs K(ingston) - "This blog will help too because you can write whatever you feel, whenever, and know that we are here to support and understand and maybe advise but never to judge."

These are just a few that come to mind (sorry if I have misquoted anyone), there are many other examples that I could have used. I really do appreciate each and every comment that is made on my blog.

I like my blog but I love my blog community!

My weekend.

2011-09-25T22:23:00.000+01:00

I've had a great weekend! It has been full of the things I love, so many that I could write a hundred posts, here are just a handful:

1) I loved it when my daughter, who didn't think I could make it to her football match, beamed when she saw me standing at the touchline cheering her on.

2) I loved it when my little boy, who as soon as he saw me, came running up to me with his arms flung open, a huge smile on his face and gave me a massive hug.

3) I loved it that my boys friends wanted me to play with them.

4) I love the fact that my ex-wife and I are parenting together for the benefit of our children.

5) I loved the night out with my friends last night (even if I did have the mother of all hangovers today!).

I hope that your weekend was just as good!

There is nothing like......

2011-09-24T12:13:00.000+01:00

.....living your dreams through your kids!

One day that girl will play for England!

Memory triggers!

2011-09-19T19:36:00.000+01:00

As humans we have triggers that make us recall vivid memories. These triggers can be a scent, a touch, a taste, a sight or a sound. Most of my memories are triggered by sounds and, more precisely, music. I had one of those trigger moments today. I was listening to a band that I've known for many a long year. In fact when I first started listening to them, as a fresh faced 20 year old, they were still in nappies and had to be breastfed between songs.

I am referring of course to Ash. It has been known for me to convince myself that I was never in love with my ex-wife but, today, when I heard this song I knew that was a crock of sh1t! I used to listen to this song whilst I was driving up the M1 to visit her at University. I loved those days and I still love this song:

Then came this song which reminds me of a much more recent love:

and finally this one that reminds me of a long distant love affair (with Jackie Chan):

PS. They all need to be played loud to achieve maximum effect!

Thank you!

2011-09-17T20:11:00.000+01:00

Today I had a day out with the kids at an amusement park in Leicestershire. It was a great day - I loved it. I spent the day playing with my kids, a friend and her lad. I didn't think things could get much better.

Then I saw a group of Brownies and I wondered if, the very wise and wonderful, Mrs K, was their leader. Mrs K. being, just, one of the people that I have met through this social media thingy-me-jig who have provided words of wisdom, friendship and support to me through the good times and the bad.

I, sometimes, question whether it is wise to place my inner most thoughts on the internet but I then remember that I love my blog and the people that I have been lucky enough to meet because of it!

Thank you all!

So, about this new old job I've got!

2011-09-16T23:03:00.001+01:00

I went into work today (I'm still at my old employer as I don't start with the new employer until a week Monday) and was immediately called into the office of my boss.

He told me that, whilst there was about to be a staff announcement, he wanted to let me know that the board of directors (the Managing Director and the Financial Director) were, as of 6.00pm last night, no longer in charge and had left the company. He then reminded me that, when I tendered my resignation, he agreed with every point I made and stated that things wouldn't get any better until significant changes were made at the very top of the company. He then asked me the million dollar question...

"...will you now reconsider your decision to resign?"

I told him that I needed the weekend to think things over. As he was going away on holiday for two weeks, he stated that he needed a decision today. So, I took myself off for a few hours to think. When I returned to the office I still didn't know what I was going to do. However, there was a definite feeling of calm in the office - a feeling I had never experienced before in that office. People were relaxed - the negative atmosphere had gone. The black cloud surrounding the office had certainly lifted.

So, I made the decision to stay!

I may, or may not, have made the right decision, only time will tell, but I'll give it a go. One thing that is certain is that the main "bully" has left the company and that can only be a good thing!

Crazy days!

So, about this new job!

2011-09-14T20:05:00.000+01:00

Having now given my notice at my current employer and accepted the position I mentioned in a previous post I now know where I will be working on the 26th September.

I will finish my employment with my current employer on the 23rd. I will then start with my new employer on the 26th (I'll be working for the Americans - but more of that later) and on the 27th I will return to my current employer as a consultant (working through my new employer).

Having stated that I was desperate to leave the employment of my current company you might have thought that this would have been a disappointment to me - but it isn't. I have to say that my current employer has been very good and tried very hard to keep me before accepting I wasn't for turning and it was then that they approached my new employer, with my agreement, to see if I could return for a few months on a consultancy basis. As I am moving to a consultant the decision for them was merely a case of economics (ie we will be charging Spencer out at £x if you are willing to pay that then you can have him).

So, it is all change but all staying the same!

Changes!

2011-09-11T22:34:00.000+01:00

I made some much needed changes on Friday. For the past 10 months I have worked in a company like no other I've ever known. It is a company where a culture of blame and bullying is rife. I'd worked with it - telling myself it was paying the bills but I decided on Thursday I couldn't cope anymore with the shouting, the bollockings and the belittling.

On Friday I went into the office with the intention of becoming the 21st surveyor to leave the company in the past 12 months. As it happens I was the 22nd - as I arrived at the office one of my team gave me his resignation saying he had to leave for his own sanity. So, I had to tell my boss that we were both going and, boy, did it feel good when I had. All the pressure and stress I've been carrying disappeared.

I still have the job offer I spoke about recently, although I had ruled that job out as I thought I'd miss the kids too much whilst away, and I have an interview on Tuesday. Whichever way it goes I feel an enormous amount of relief at the moment. I don't think I could stand that job a moment longer!

I wonder how different the world would look if more people had listened to this song...

2011-09-09T19:56:00.002+01:00

John Lennon 'Imagine'

The holiday - my daughters view

2011-09-09T00:16:00.001+01:00

I've given the story of my sons holiday now here is, for me at least, the defining part of my daughters holiday.

Picture the scene - it was a beautiful and sunny day and the kids, my mum and I were on the beach playing. My son, who has only started school this week, picks up a stick and starts to write his name in the sand. My mum, ever the doting grandmother, bigs up the achievement. My son, on a high, continues to write a sentence.
My mum heaps the praise on. My daughter looks both proud and sad. I know what she is thinking and look at her. She looks at me and says,

"I'm really pleased that J can spell better then me but I wish I could just get it."

At times I hate the that fact my daughter is hindered by dyslexia. However, that doesn't last long for I just remind myself, as I told
her,

"You're brilliant baby and I am so proud of you and couldn't love you more!"

A story of love, loss and new beginnings.

2011-09-05T23:01:00.000+01:00

I know that this sounds like the story of my life but it isn't. It is much, much, much more important that that! This is the story of my boys holiday.

It started with a glance over the pirate ship:

He saw her from his vantage point in the crows nest and knew immediately that she was special. I could see the apprehension in his little face as he approached her and said,

"Hi, I'm J what's your name?"

She looked, smiled and replied, "I'm C. I am with my sister."

As they played together on the pirate ship they became inseperable. They sat next to each other on the roundabout gazing into each others eyes:

Each day C would knock on our caravan door and ask if J could come out to play. I would take them to the park and watch as they laughed and smiled at each other. It was a joy to watch.

Until one day when C's vacation came to an end. I could see the sorrow in my boy's heart. He no longer wanted to play. He seemed lost. This wasn't a joy to watch:

I'm not sure that my boy is yet over his first romance, however, when I went around to see him today he did say to me,

"Girls are boring, Daddy!"

And to the new beginnings:

Tomorrow my boy starts his first ever day at school. My boy is almost 5 and my little girl is almost 9. Where does the time go?

The picture that sums up my holiday!

2011-09-01T17:46:00.001+01:00

Love it!

Should an eight year old be having body image issues?

2011-08-30T18:39:00.001+01:00

My holiday has been great with one exception. Everytime we have looked to get ready to go out in the evening my daughter has complained awfully that she is fat, has no clothes that suit her and looks awful. If I am honest I'm at a loss at how to deal with this. My daughter is far from fat. She wears clothes a year or two above her age group but then she is almost 6 inches taller then all her friends.

It worries me that this is the start of worse things to come. My kids eat a well balanced diet and we do lots of physical activity together but my daughter is never going to be a size zero (that just isn't her body shape) and I wouldn't want her to be - but I fear that she wants to be.

I fear that such a desire will only lead to disappointment. I will constantly tell her she looks beautiful but, when her role models are all skin and bone, I'm not sure that she will listen.

Any advice would be gratefully received.

Park and Son - master crab catchers

2011-08-29T23:00:00.000+01:00

Pride (in the name of love).

2011-08-29T13:07:00.000+01:00

The sun will come out tomorrow....

2011-08-27T15:40:00.000+01:00

There were 3 in the bed and the little one said roll over!

2011-08-23T01:24:00.003+01:00

I picked up my little ones today for the first time in 2 weeks as they have been away on holiday with their mum.

I was sooooooo excited, both to see them, but also because I have them for two whole weeks now. We are stopping at my mums for the next few days, as I have to work tomorrow, before we have a few local day trips before venturing to the coast at the weekend.

Whilst at my mum's the kids share a double bed. Normally, I read them a story before leaving them to sleep. Tonight, I fell asleep with them and, as I type this and look down, I have one little head on one shoulder and another on the other - we are all sweltering in a humid night.

In truth it is rather uncomforable, however, I am left wondering, "does life get any better then this?"

I hope you enjoy the remainder of the holidays as much as I will!

What a difference a year makes.

2011-08-21T20:07:00.000+01:00

This time last year I was coming back from a short break away with J. I loved that short break despite the fact we experienced a number of difficulties along the way. Those four short days were eventful. J found out that some thieving b'stards had cleaned out her bank account and we ended up in a car crash that left us both with severe whiplash. But, even so, I loved those few days we shared together.

It is fair to say that I was very happy back then. I was spending time with a woman that I loved and who, I thought, loved me.

As most of my readers will know the relationship ended in March. The split left me reeling. It hurt - with an intensity and depth that I had never experienced before. Not only did I lose a lover but I also lost the friendship of a very wonderful and warm person (one that I spoke to almost every night and for hours at a time).

A day hasn't gone by without J coming to my mind (and on lots of occasions I've struggled to get her out of my head). However, the pain has now subsided, even if I do still wake up with an emptiness inside. I guess that time will heal that as well.

In the period since the split, I have, I am ashamed to admit, hurt other people. I have dated - too early in the healing process - in a bid to try and ease the pain. Whenever those dates have progressed such that any emotion has been shown, I have broken things off. The "relationship" with my dentist (if we can call a few dates a relationship?) ended when she told me she, "adored me" and the relationship with A (again only a few dates) ended when she told me she, "loved me."

However, I have also made strides forward. I have progressed a lot. The darkness that enveloped me in those early days, weeks and, even, months has lifted. I have stopped analysing our relationship looking for clues as to what went wrong. I have accepted that things are the way they are - I've even realised that J made a difficult decision and it is one that I respect. I have realised that the reason things didn't work out with either A or my Dentist wasn't because I was still hung up over J - it was because we weren't right together (even if I am still hung up over J!!). I have started to look to the future.

Now, from where I've been, that is progress!

(Once again, I am left wondering whether I should press the publish button or the delete button on this post. There are so many posts that I wrote in the weeks after the split that I regret publishing. I am hoping that this isn't added to that list).

I'd best enjoy this holiday!

2011-08-20T14:01:00.002+01:00

Whilst taking a break from packing the clothes for our holiday I had one of those sentimental moments that creeps up on you, takes you by surprise, stops you in your tracks and makes you think (and in my case brought a little tear to my eye).

I looked up at the photograph of my daughter hanging on the wall and realised that she is no longer my baby. She is growing up. She is no longer a little girl - she is now - just a girl! And a girl that likes to catch the attention of the boys in the playground! She is now eight, and fast approaching nine. My little baby is now nearer to the age where she won't want to go on holiday with me, then she is the age where I rocked her to sleep cradled in my arms.

God, I love that girl and, boy do I wish I had a time machine!

It feels like home.

2011-08-17T17:35:00.002+01:00

Just lately, and as a result of working away, I've been spending a lot of time in my city of birth as opposed to my adopted home and I've found that it feels like home.

The city, that I gladly moved away from in 2002, now seems to be calling out to me. There is a lot to be said for surrounding yourself with those that care most, your family and friends, especially when you've been going through a rough patch.

The thought of moving 50 miles from the kids used to seem horrendous but I now think it is something I have to do. I will still see them at weekends and, if I ever manage to get a job in my adopted home, I may return but, for now at least, I think I'm homeward bound!

A sad day!

2011-08-16T13:58:00.000+01:00

Last year I attended the wedding reception of a former colleague and friend of mine. My friend had been married previously but, as he said to me, he had finally met his soulmate. His wife to be had been battling cancer but had, we thought, won the battle. She looked wonderful in her wedding dress and showed no signs of the arduous times that she had endured over the previous couple of years.

I was informed last night that the cancer had returned and that she had passed away on Sunday night.

To say it was a shock would be an understatement. I currently feel shocked, shaken and a little numb.

I never quite know what to do in such events. Should I attend the funeral? Should I just send my condolences?

I'm not entirely sure but, I do know I feel emotionally drained so I can't even begin to think how my friend feels.

A sad day indeed.

Picture the scene...

2011-08-15T18:06:00.000+01:00

...you are a 35 year old male, married with two kids. You know that something is wrong in your marriage but you have no idea that it is fatally wounded. You march on, you go to work, you bring back a wage to feed and clothe the kids, you take control of the kids when you get home, you bathe your children, you rock the baby to sleep, you tell the little one a bedtime story, you wake up with the baby, you feed him and then you try and grab a little sleep.

You then find out your marriage is at an end. Irreconcilable differences are quoted - or more specifically a statement is made that, "you never paid enough attention to your wife." You move out of the house and find you now need to fund two mortgages. You need some extra cash. You consider prostitution but you're not sure how to market your skills so decide against that option. Instead you work longer hours and, thus, you see your children less.

The bankers get even more greedy and gamble the future of the planet on red. The roulette wheel lands on black. The entire system is shafted - although, for some reason, the bankers get their bets refunded. People lose their jobs - you lose yours. You travel even further, work even longer hours and see your kids even less.

Back then the state of the economy, and society as a whole, wasn't the banker's fault - it was the fault of single mums. Those good for nothings that bring children up with no regard for what is right or wrong.

But, that was three years ago, single mums now have a voice - single mums are now powerful - they've found the internet. They've found mumsnet. Politicians, and the press, now like single mums! No longer are all the ills in society caused by single mums. In fact they are now heroines corrupted by unjust fathers.

Useless fathers, feckless fathers, fathers who should have been sterilised, absent fathers. Good for nothings that bring children into this world but then leave.

So, that would be fathers like me!

At least we know it's not the bankers fault!

There are some things that I never thought I'd have to buy

2011-08-14T19:31:00.002+01:00

As an eighteen year old I can remember vividly the first moment that I realised my hair had started to fall out. I was sat in a physics class and one of my best friends, who was sat behind me, shouted out, "Christ, do you realise how big your crown is!" I then went home to be told by my father, "If you really are going to molt could you please have the decency to clean the plug hole out afterwards!" At that point I knew that I was destined to be completely bald by the time I was in my early twenties.

However, I did used to satisfy myself that by going bald quickly, and at such a tender age, I wouldn't have to suffer like my other friends who seemed to either:

a) Lose hair progressively and over a long period of time such that they could convince themselves that they weren't really losing their hair at all (a few of my friends have, over the years, sported the Bobby Charlton look!) or,

b) Slowly go grey.

Imagine my disappointment, therefore, when I realised that a much worst fate awaited me.

Just lately I have started to grow the largest and curliest hairs known to man! Which would be great if they were on the top of my head but they are not! They are in all the wrong places - the places that long and curly hairs should never be! I now have the bushiest eye brows and the sproutest ear and nose hairs ever seen.

But, by the grace of God, and the pure genius of man, I have been able to combat these evil hairs by purchasing one of these:

I salute you Mr Remington, and the wonderful device known as, "The Remington Nose & Hair Clipper!"

Struggling (just a little)!

2011-08-12T07:04:00.000+01:00

I've been struggling to know what to write lately. It's not writers block per se - just that whenever I put pen to paper I find myself dwelling on past events and I don't want to. Instead I want, and need, to focus on the good times yet to come.

I want to focus on the holiday I'm about to have, the new job that I may start (another decision I'll probably fudge), the new friendships I've been making, the start of a new football season.

Instead when I come here I tend to think of past events - and I don't want to go there so, instead, I've been staying away as, when I overanalyse past events, I find myself lacking and I know that is a back alley leading nowhere.

Running!

2011-08-04T23:05:00.003+01:00

I've been thinking about running a lot lately. Mainly running away, running back home, running to my sister (well my mum actually - but a desire to run for your mum seems a little childish in a grown man!), running to my friends, running to anywhere but here.

However, today I actually did something about it. I did something that I used to do most days but haven't these last few weeks. I strapped on my running shoes and went for my 5 mile run. I didn't think I'd be able to manage it but I did. And guess what?

I LOVED IT!

It cleared my mind, I found that I'd missed being chased by the Canadian Geese (those Canadians can be a snappy lot!) and I got a thrill racing the women's cox-less fours practising on the river.

As I sit here caked in sweat, I feel good. I feel relaxed and ready to take on the world.

Which is a good thing as I've accepted a job working for the Americans (yes, I know, those Americans can be even more snappy then the Canadians!).

PS. I just wanted to thank you all for the lovely comments over the last few weeks. They really are appreciated and have been really helpful. (And I didn't mean those comments about Americans and Canadians - honest).

Closed!

2011-08-01T23:53:00.001+01:00

I've been feeling a little bit closed lately. I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel - people can see me but they cannot reach me.

We are all shaped, for better or worse, by our pasts and my recent past has involved hurt that I never forsaw. I'm not blaming anyone (other then myself maybe), as I am sure the signs were there, but I never read them and that has changed me. I recently read a post that suggested men that have been hurt build walls and, whilst I agree with 99% of the things written by this lovely blogger, I found myself thinking, "nonsense!"

So, I asked a friend, "Do you think I have built a wall around me?" she replied with, "Christ, I had started to forget what you looked like, your walls were so high." I guess self preservation has kicked in!

I know that I have no desire to be part of a serious relationship - in fact I've found myself questioning the very concept of a serious relationship. I've spoken to people who have said, "romances come and go - friendships are enduring." I have found this concept, and the fact that people freely accept it, difficult to grasp. I suppose that I was much happier as a hopeless romantic.

Perhaps, this is just a phase I'm going through? As much a part of the healing process as the apathy I'm also feeling?

At the same time I'm also finding myself torn. I feel a need to experience new things but also a desire to return to the places I know. I desire the company of strangers but also feel a need to surround myself with friends.

I guess that I'm still a work in progress.

However, if I am just a work in progress, at least I have one constant - a source of great power. The greatest love I could have been gifted. The love that I share with my children.

Now, I have to decide whether I should press the delete button or the publish button.

Decisions, decisions!

Whilst walking along the canal the boy said to me,

2011-07-29T15:47:00.001+01:00

"look at that turtle Daddy!"

Turning to look I said,

"We don't get turtles in Enger......"

"Oh, right, yes, that turtle?" I continued.

The light at the end of the tunnel!

2011-07-29T10:42:00.001+01:00

As I write this post I am waiting for an ultrasound scan. The last time I viewed an ultrasound scan I was filled with passion, love and, just a little bit of, fear as I saw, for the first time, my little boy playing inside his mothers belly. It was quite a moment.

Today the purpose of the scan is to identify the lump down below. However, I am no longer fearful as I am certain that my Doctor correctly identified the lump as a harmless cyst as the tablets prescribed to me on Monday seem to have done the trick and the lump is no longer noticeable.

Anyway, this is a big thank you to all those who wished me luck and urged me to attend the Doc's (if I'm honest the only reason I blogged about the lump in the first place was to give me the drive to attend the GP).

Post appointment note: I can confirm now that the lump is a harmless cyst - apparently it is common in men that have had the snip.

Agree or disagree?

2011-07-28T17:55:00.000+01:00

"Nobody ever seems to remember that life is a game we play!" (Oasis)

I'm not sure if I do or don't.

I've been down this road before.

2011-07-27T01:25:00.002+01:00

I've been travelling a lot with work lately. When I was on my way back today the satnav was directing me along a motorway I knew had been closed due to an earlier accident. So, I turned off the satnav and worked my own way home.

As I drove down one road I realised that I had been down it before. It was almost, exactly, 10 years ago to the day. I knew this road as I remember being in emotional turmoil the last time I drove down it.

I had recently split from the ex-wife for the first time (although we weren't married at that time). I had been hanging around with, purely as a friend, a lady that had been fostered by the parents of my ex-wife. Whilst it was never my intention I fell in love with this girl (H). I never told H this, not even when she held me close at a concert and told me she loved me.

So, the reason I was in turmoil? H was a messed up kid - in her own words she was, "shot away." She had suffered horrific abuse and it showed. So, there I was trying to work out whether to follow my heart or my head. As it happens I followed my head (which may not have been my smartest decision ever).

Given time I would get back with my wife and we would marry. H would be stood there
watching as we said our vows. I would never see her again after that day.

Perhaps, I should look her up?
Vows

A child of the Seventies!

2011-07-25T20:57:00.000+01:00

I loved growing up in the Seventies, things were simple back then. We knew not of paedohiles, or weirdos, there was only the bogey man invented to keep us away from dangerous places. We spent our afternoons in the street playing with the other kids. Kicking footballs and playing tig - things back then were fun.

We had no cares and we ran free, just as long as we were back in time for tea. Every adult knew and cared for us. In turn we would care for those smaller then us.

And memories were set, ready to be released years later when your boy asked if you liked popping candy:

So, I found a lump...

2011-07-24T09:55:00.001+01:00

It started with a dull pain in my abdomen,

that made me check,

and there it was.

It's probably, almost certainly, nothing,

but, I have to face my fear of Doctors and make an appointment.

It's probably, almost certainly, nothing but,

if I'm truthful,

I'm a little bit worried.

I'm a little bit proud - me! (Part two)

2011-07-22T20:39:00.001+01:00

I think my ex wife has been a little concerned about me lately. I guess she knows me pretty well and has seen that I've been a little low and has been making efforts to lift my spirit. Firstly, there was the visit of C and today, when I knocked on the door to pick up the kids, she asked if I wanted to come in and meet K's kids.

We fostered K from the age of 13 until she left care as a 17 year old. Similar to C, K was a good kid who had been dealt a crap hand. She had been taken into care at the age of 3 and had been in and out of care until she arrived on our doorstep. I'm not exactly sure what happened to K (I stopped reading the kid's files as they made me cry) but I do know that she suffered significant and horrific abuse every time she returned to the care of her mother (which, sadly, was often).

K is now approaching 23, happily living with her partner and has 3 beautiful and bonny young children. To some this may not seem much but it is. When K came to us she had a real distrust of men. I found the first few weeks living with K to be really difficult - she was awkward, aggressive and made me feel like a stranger in my own home. However, given time, and the space she needed to settle, K began to trust me. When she left care K made me cry when she asked her social worker to thank me for, "being the first man that she had ever trusted." (I know I shouldn't have been proud of such a basic achievement - but I was).

I didn't really want to be a foster carer but I am so glad that I was. I am proud of the kids we looked after but, I am also a little bit proud of myself.

I love music!

2011-07-20T23:18:00.001+01:00

It is strange how you can listen to a song all your life but only really understand it when you have experienced life - in all it's wonder and awe. That happened to me this weekend when I heard this song and thought, "yes that is where I am in life - not wanting to hurt anyone or, equally, be hurt."

Only in redneck country!

2011-07-19T20:07:00.003+01:00

Can you imagine anywhere better to be sat resting then here?

I can! Sat resting inside this pub with a pint in hand:

Although, I am glad that I didn't arrive on a Friday as I'm not sure that I'd be too keen on the meat draw (and what is going on with the Xmas decorations? Don't they know it's July? Does Mansfield have it's own time zone?):

The British Countryside

2011-07-17T14:56:00.000+01:00

I'm a little bit proud - me!

2011-07-15T19:06:00.002+01:00

My ex-wife invited me round for dinner the other day (don't worry I checked the food for poison!). When I arrived a tall and, I would guess, rather handsome young man opened the door. I vaguely recognised the tall young man stood in front of me but it was the boy inside that I knew so well. He put out his hand to shake mine and said, "Hello Spencer, how are you?"

As I took his hand in mine I couldn't help but laugh whilst saying, "C, how are you? And what happened to your voice - did Mother Nature take away your high pitched squeal?"

Stood in front of me was C - a boy that my ex-wife and I fostered for a few years until he was able to find a placement nearer to his family. C was, like most kids I came across in care, a good kid who'd had been dealt a crap hand. I grew to like C - a lot.

C had been taken into care as a 3 year old when he was found, "stealing" stale bread from a neighbours bird table. He arrived with us when he was 11 and moved on when he was 14. Here he was stood in front of me and, despite all the obstacles that stood in his way, he is on the verge of success. He is about to sign up to become a soldier and, whilst this may not be everyone's career choice, I think he'll be great at it. I sincerely hope that he is.

Whilst I'm not claiming any credit for C I am really proud of the man that he has become.

Why do you blog?

2011-07-14T21:27:00.000+01:00

I only ask this question as my motivation for blogging has changed significantly in the year or so since I started.

Initially, I started blogging as:

a) I wanted to get my thoughts down on paper. It was a form of therapy for me. As someone that is prone to thinking too deeply, I often find myself confused. I don't really talk to anyone about those thoughts so I decided to write them down in the hope that I would be provided with some form of clarity.

b) I wanted to record the events that happened in mine and the kids lives.

c) It was a form of artistic release (okay I know my writing isn't very artistic but it's the nearest I get!).

12 months later my motivation to blog has changed. I still write to clarify my thoughts amd to record the important events in my life, however, I also look forward to the comments of my blog friends. It is these comments that help me clarify my thoughts, to lift my spirit and convince me that I am, indeed, a good person.

So, to each of you, I say thank you and ask a simple question:

What makes you blog?

Sometimes, I think I've grown up...

2011-07-12T22:49:00.001+01:00

...and, at other times, I realise that I'm still the same testosterone driven boy I was when just a wee lad of 15 (albeit with a little less hair).

Okay, some things do change. Back then it was all about this:

whereas now it's all about T's knees!

I fell in love this past weekend.

2011-07-11T20:06:00.000+01:00

Or, perhaps, more precisely, I rediscovered an old love. This reclaimed love has inspired me, it has lifted me and as a consequence the void that, until recently, I held inside has disappeared.

This past weekend I rediscovered my love of literature. In truth I'd never really lost it but, I did lose sight of it. I think it happened when I indulged my morbid fascination with the Nazis and, realising I was never going to comprehend the mindset of a bigot, I pulled away from serious literature.

However, on Saturday I picked up a book that I purchased some time ago and headed out to the park with the kids. Whilst they played I read, when they ate I read some more and when they were asleep I read a lot more. By the end of Saturday I had devoured half the book and was planning a trip to the bookshop to obtain the sequel.

In the process I fell in love, just a little bit, with Lisbeth Salender.

Reflections of me.

2011-07-09T05:34:00.001+01:00

At this time of year two years ago I started to date for the first time since my marriage failed. It had been a hard 12 months for me but I felt ready to move on. I had a number of first dates none of which felt right until I met one lady (L). We got on well but there was a problem - she was a divorce lawyer and at the time my feelings towards divorce lawyers created issues within our relationship and thus the brief liasion ended.

In November I would meet J. It's no secret that I fell for J. I fell for J big time and it happened quickly. I wanted to spend the rest of my life with J. However, this was no fairy tale and, for whatever reason, J didn't feel the same and the relationship ended in March.

Here we are in July and I'm dating again. I wasn't sure that I was ready, in fact I'm almost sure I'm not, but I was told that as long as I'm honest with the lady in question I'm not doing anything wrong - it would just be a case of us enjoying each others company. So, I was honest - possibly to the point of going overboard. I told her (A) that I'm not sure if this is a rebound relationship. She said that if it was then she would just have to deal with it.

Now, you would think that this honesty would put her off - it would put me off. Only it hasn't - in fact it seems to have done the opposite. I've just received a text from her telling me that she is scared how quickly she is falling for me. She also sent me a text the other day stating that she finds the contents of my head sexy. As I read those messages I see myself 18 months ago (I used to tell J all the time that I loved her brain - and I really did!).

Only here is the problem - I don't feel anything. It's not that I don't like A - it's more that I don't know how I feel. My head is like mush. When I receive a text from A, there are pangs of disappointment that it's not from J. But, at the same time if I can manage to set aside the aches I have inside I do like A - but that doesn't happen very often. Normally, I just feel nothing - just a void - a feeling of emptiness.

I'm not sure what to do. I don't dislike A and I actually think that if I could empty my soul and start again I would like her a lot but, equally, I don't want to hurt her (the times J told me that!).

So, please think for me, and give me advice, as I'm becoming to realise that I'm rubbish at this dating game.

So, I did it!

2011-07-06T06:34:00.001+01:00

I went on a date (and not a rebound date either that left me needing a new dentist!). Okay, it wasn't the most successful date (we went to a tapas bar and after ordering she confessed to not liking Spanish food) but a date it was and best of all I was excited, I was looking forward not back. I may, or may not, see her again but I am starting to breath again.

Therapy

2011-07-05T23:47:00.000+01:00

As I lay awake again I've made a decision and it is one that scares me. I have decided to see a therapist. The scars left by my divorce have haunted me for too long. I can no longer be held prisoner by the issues that arose. Wish me luck as I'm scared witless to admit I need help.

There once was an ugly duckling.....

2011-07-03T18:10:00.000+01:00

wherever he went he was told to leave the town (which made him a little snappy)....

but one day he held his head so noble and high:

Words

2011-07-01T18:50:00.000+01:00

I've always loved words. Strung together they can be emotive, moving, beautiful, raunchy, haunting and scary. However, I never thought I would find the individual shape of words sexy until today. I spent part of the day with my daughter's dyslexia teacher being shown the best methods to assist my daughter in her efforts to learn to read. The dyslexia affects both my daughter's short term memory and her ability to learn using traditional teaching methods. She is, therefore, being taught to learn the entire shape of a word rather then the composite parts of that word. In order to do this the teacher will hand my daughter a word, made out of wooden letters, and my daughter will run her hand around the edges. The process is working well and my daughter's memory skills are improving all the time.

In order to demonstrate the process I was handed the word, "love." as I ran my hand around the letter, "o" I had a stirring deep inside. I found the whole experience immensely sexy. It brought back recollections of other things that create similar stirrings in me such as:

Artwork (Picasso's Sleeping Woman),

Music (Lou Reed, Perfect Day),

The female form (and especially that bit of thigh between a skirt and a boot):

But, having said all that, I may just have wanted to nail my daughter's dyslexia teacher?

So many ghosts in my life.

2011-06-30T23:26:00.002+01:00

I read a post tonight - it was a good post, a positive post but strangely it made me realise I'm a little scared. I've mentioned the developments in my career but, if I'm honest, the main reason I've been so keen on this new job is because it means I'll spend large parts of my time in other countries. This really appeals to me at the minute as I feel a need to get away.

The next chapter

2011-06-30T05:07:00.002+01:00

Having alluded to the fact that there were changes afoot in my life I received an email enquiring if there was a new romantic involvement. Put simply the answer to that question is no. In that regards I am still not ready. The changes, to which I referred, relate instead to my career. I will let you know more when I finally return home and don't have to blog from my phone (which is also the reason i i haven't managed to comment on any blogs and also the reason I am going to take this opportunity to say, "Hooray, T is back!"). Adios (for now).

Beauty

2011-06-28T22:52:00.001+01:00

Some things are just so beautiful that you have to stop, stand, look up and stare:

The boy said to me,

2011-06-27T20:23:00.000+01:00

"Daddy, have you heard of a Killer Whao?"

"A Killer Whao?" I asked,

"Yes, a Killer Whao?" he replied,

"I'm not sure" I said, "is it a kind of psychopathic song lyric?"

"No, daddy! They eat penguins!" he said beaming that he'd beaten me,

"So do you!" I said,

"No, not chocolate penguins" he said laughing, "real penguins silly!"

"Really, do they cook them?" I enquired,

"No, daddy! They snaffle them!"

"Really?"

"Yes, and they are from the same family as us!"

"What, the Park family?"

"No, silly. They are mammals!"

"Do you mean Killer Whales?" I asked,

"Yes, like I said Killer Whaos!"

I found the key to my happy place.

2011-06-26T16:02:00.008+01:00

I could deny...

2011-06-25T16:42:00.000+01:00

but I'll never realise,
I've been chasing rainbows,
all my life!

and just to prove that I'll always be an Indie boy:

Tracks of my life!

2011-06-24T20:26:00.000+01:00

My ex-wife and I spent the last few days of our honeymoon at Glastonbury (how cool were we?). At the time my ex-wife was 3 months pregnant and had started to have cravings for tomatoes.

It isn't easy finding tomatoes at Glastonbury but I managed it! On my way back to the tent I stopped off to listen to Ian Brown. I can't remember exactly what he was playing but, as I love all things Ian Brown, this one, which I think is just beautiful, will do:

Ian Brown - El Mundo Pequeno

Clear thinking!

2011-06-23T19:16:00.003+01:00

This week started off pretty rough. Little K passed away on Sunday, on Monday I discovered that my uncle has a cancerous growth the size of a golf ball on his liver, Tuesday would have been my ninth wedding anniversary and Wednesday was the day from hell at work. On top of that I still seem to be reeling from events that occurred in March.

However, last night I had some form of awakening. I realised that K was finally at peace, my uncle is strong and will fight the cancer all the way, my anniversary (if I can still call it that) isn't very important and I am, when all is said and done, good at my job.

I have started to look to the future rather than the past. I have started to smile again!

Take good care of him!

2011-06-19T19:49:00.001+01:00

Angel came down from heaven yesterday
She stayed with me just long enough to rescue me
And she told me a story yesterday,
About the sweet love between the moon and the deep blue sea
And then she spread her wings high over me
She said she's gonna come back tomorrow

And I said, "Fly on my sweet angel,
Fly on through the sky,
Fly on my sweet angel,
Tomorrow I'm gonna be by your side"

Sure enough this morning came unto me
Silver wings silhouetted against the child's sunrise
And my angel she said unto me,
"Today is the day for you to rise
Take my hand, you're gonna be my boy,
You're gonna rise"
And then she took high over yonder

And I said, "Fly on my sweet angel,
Fly on through the sky,
Fly on my sweet angel,
Forever I will be by your side"

RIP K.

Learning!

2011-06-16T18:57:00.001+01:00

Today my boy started his school career (at least he had the first of his school taster sessions). In his words it was, "well good, Daddy!"

But these events got me thinking. When my boy is all big and smart will he still:

1) Want to give his dad cuddles?
2) Look to me for advice even when he realises that 90% of what I speak is bollocks?
3) Follow my football team even when he realises all his friends are following someone else?
4) Have that cheeky little grin that lifts my day?
5) Talk to me like I am the greatest dad that has ever walked on the face of the planet?
6) Be my mate?
7) Make me smile just by being himself?
8) Fill me so full of pride that I feel fit to burst?
9) Make me laugh?
10) Love me as much as I know I'll always love him?

Oh, and, I almost forgot:

11) Have his own hair? (It's just a matter of time boy!)

Tracks of my life!

2011-06-14T22:47:00.001+01:00

When I was 16 I started work. I spent my earnings on lodge, partying and chasing girls. God, I loved that time!

Who would have thought EMF stood for Epsom Mad Funkers? (I know I didn't!).

PS. If you watch all this video you can see me at the end jumping up and down. Yes, that's me with the big and bushy hair! (no, really!)

Care to pray with me?

2011-06-11T19:02:00.001+01:00

Whilst growing up if I ever said, "it's not fair!" my father would always counter with,

"life's not fair son, the sooner you realise that the better!" He was right of course. However, I don't think I knew just how right he was until recently. Not until I met little K.

K is a twelve year old boy who was abandoned at birth by his mother. Not the best start in life. Due to a learning difficulty no-one wanted to adopt K so he has been in care for the entirety of his short life. Recently he was placed in the care of my ex-wife and her new partner. During this time I have got to know little K, not well, but enough to see that he is a nice lad.

A nice lad that has been fighting a courageous battle against leukaemia. A month, or so, ago K had an operation that is was hoped would help him beat the leukaemia. For a while it seemed like the operation had been a sucess and K had won his battle. However, I learnt today the operation had failed - the leukaemia remains and K has been given two weeks to live.

Whilst I'm not the most religious person I guess even an aetheist needs hope and I am willing to give it a go. I am going to pray for K, to pray that these last few weeks are pain free, to pray that K has an enjoyable few weeks and to pray that K finally gets some peace.

Please pray with me.

Ways I can tell my boy is growing up (part 1)

2011-06-10T19:43:00.001+01:00

Today we had our first chat!

Well, okay, it wasn't actually our first chat. But, it was the first chat we'd had whilst stood next to each other at the urinals!

And as it's Friday night it's music time:

Hey Joe, where you going with that gun in your hand?

Would you?

2011-06-08T22:41:00.034+01:00

I was asked a question today. It was a question that, until very recently, I would have answered without hesitation. The question asked was,

"Would you ever remarry?"

Despite being divorced I still hold marriage in the highest regard. For me, marriage is the ultimate commitment, a lasting show of love and affection. I understand that marriages break down, it would be hypocritical of me not to, but that doesn't stop me feeling a slight failure when I look back upon my divorce.

Thus, at one time I would have automatically answered, "Yes, I would remarry!" In fact I did today. However, I did have second thoughts. I guess that there are a number of reasons for this:

1) Having been through one messy divorce I'm not so sure that I would want to go through another.
2) Both recent and past events have made me question my own judgement when it comes to relationships. I am beginning to think that I am blind to the obvious failings in a relationship until it is too late. Therefore, I am not sure that I consider myself suitable marriage material.

I guess I will just have to ponder the question a little further.

Would you?

My new friend...

2011-06-06T19:58:00.000+01:00

has a beautiful breast!

On your marks.......

2011-06-04T15:53:00.000+01:00

Get Set.....

GROW......

Parenthood....

2011-06-01T20:42:00.000+01:00

isn't it just beautiful:

and I'm sure that this one is a daddy or a mummy or a child (okay I don't know but I am so proud of the picture):

All pictures taken on my run tonight!

When the bullied became the bully?

2011-05-29T02:22:00.008+01:00

Late last year I started a new job. It wasn't a job I really wanted but I had been made redundant and I didn't have any other options. In order that you can understand this blog post I should explain my job. I am a surveyor employed by a building contractor. As a surveyor it is my responsibility to influence, and report upon, the financial performance of the various construction projects under my control.

When I started with this new employer I was asked to oversee three partially completed new build housing schemes. It soon became clear to me that the previous surveyor had been "fudging" the figures such that the projects appeared to be successful when in fact they were far from it.

In the first month I knocked back the profit forecast on the schemes from showing a profit of £300,000.00 to a loss of £400,000.00. The following month, after further investigations, I reduced the forecast a further £500,000.00. In any other company that I had worked for this turnaround would have seriously affected the ability of the company to remain trading.

My boss, understandably, didn't take this news very well. However, rather then discuss the situation with me he attempted to bully me into falsifying the figures. He suggested that I was a, "lazy surveyor" that accepted the losses too easily. In 22 years of employment my commitment had never been questioned and it hurt me deeply, but I stood my ground. He then suggested that I was a weak surveyor that had been institutionalised by working for only a handful of companies. He went further and told me that he was disappointed that he had ever employed me. This rocked my confidence to the very core. I started to question my own abilities. I started to wonder if he was right. For the 22 years of my working life I always knew that I had one constant - I was good at my job. During the worst moments of my divorce I threw myself into my work and the results were clear to see. Now the very foundations of my confidence were being fractured. It is an occupational hazard of mine that you have to give bad news but I learnt at an early stage that you get all the bad news out in one go. Here I wasn't allowed to - and that undermined my position. The stress made me question everything - I even took comments from my oldest friend personally (and we'd been taking the mickey out of each other since we were 4 years old!). In the end I did what he asked and reported figures that I knew were unachievable. I knew that it was only a matter of time before the lies would be exposed. I hated going to work and when I returned home I was so stressed that I would moan to anyone that would listen (inevitably this would be my ex-girlfriend). I have no doubt that this situation was the pre-cursor to the separation from her.

I knew I needed to get out of this company and so I sent my CV to a number of agencies. The following day I was called into the Managing Director's office who asked me why I was looking for another job (I have no idea how he found out). I told him the truth. My ex and I had just split and I was in no mood to take any prisoners - I gave it to him straight. He stood there and listened and then asked me what I would do differently if I had my bosses job. I told him. He then asked me if I wanted my bosses job on a temporary basis whilst they sourced a permanent replacement. I said yes.

And so I was now the boss. I held the cards and I could be the bully. But I didn't. Instead my old boss and I are now friends.

Please....

2011-05-28T23:15:00.000+01:00

....the next time I say I am over the thing that has been bringing me down tell me not to look at the blog of my ex girlfriend!

I don't know why I even went there. I haven't for such a long time and then I did. I now feel sick, and wobbly and awful again.

Please, please, tell me never to do that again.

I love you!

2011-05-27T21:42:00.003+01:00

Yes you....

and you....

and even you (a little bit)....

Yes, it is true that these past two months have been difficult for me. I've apologised for the things I've never done, felt guilty for reacting to the words of others (both people I know and those I don't), made my dentist cry (a long story), and been generally low but, on Tuesday, something changed inside of me. I'm not sure exactly what but something very real changed.

Because of that I'm back. I think....

Time travel and realisations!

2011-05-07T10:38:00.004+01:00

I realise that I said on Thursday that I was taking a break from this blog for a while (and that I meant a few weeks/months/years/forever) but time is relative - right? And whilst to you Thursday was only 2 days ago, to me, as someone who mastered the art of time travel on Friday, it is a really, really long time ago!!

Whilst you have been sat at work wishing for the weekend I've been flashing backwards in time.

I stopped firstly in 1066 to warn King Harold not to look upwards when the Normans invaded. He didn't listen! Also, did you realise that he was King Harold II? No? Me neither!

I then stopped off to see my old mate Willy Shakespeare (his friends can call him Willy!). You know that sonnet in Romeo & Juliet, "What's in a name? That which we call a rose by any other name would smell as sweet." I planted the seed for that one in old Willy's head!

I then moved onto 1649 to see a demonstration on how to treat the Royal Family with the proper respect and dignity that they deserve. You've just got to love that Oliver Cromwell and his New Model Army!

Whilst doing all this space continuum travel type thing - I've also had some realisations as well.

Edited

You've got to make it happen!

2011-05-05T19:12:00.000+01:00

I've said before that I bounce and, whilst my current low may have taken me longer to get over then normal, I have had a return to positivity. In fact I am feeling better then I have for a long time.

However, with this return to positivity I have lost the desire to blog. I am, therefore, going to take a break, stop writing about my life and start living it!

I will probably return sometime but for now the desire has gone.

I have made some great friends here and I wish you all well.

If anyone would like to keep in touch with me during this transisitional period please feel free to contact me via email spencerpark73@gmail.com.

In the words of Oasis:

You could wait for a lifetime
To spend your days in the sunshine
You might as well do the white line
Cos when it comes on top

You gotta make it happen
You gotta make it happen
You gotta make it happen
You gotta make it happen

The circles of my life!

2011-05-03T18:11:00.014+01:00

When I was 27 I had a mini mid life crisis at the prospect of turning 30. It didn't last very long but, whilst it did, there was a lot of panic about how little I had achieved in my life. When I left school I had decided that I wanted to be a Surveyor, don't ask me why, and I had achieved that goal but it wasn't the panacea that I had hoped for. In actual fact when I finished my training, and reached the end of the metaphorical rainbow, I didn't like what I found. Surveying, to my mind, is a pretty crappy profession. It is commercially centred such that my primary objective is to make rich people, even richer. I wanted more from my life. I wanted to help people. I wanted to make a difference. I wanted to leave a lasting impression.

At that time I started to write my first novel (I never finished it). The novel reflected the life that I would have liked to have lived. It centred on an indie band and the relationship between its members as they attempted, unsuccessfully, to reach the big time. It was, probably, pretty crap.

It was also at this stage that my ex-wife and I would split for the first time. We had been together for just over 8 years and had started to drift. We had started to live separate lives. I would go out with my friends and she would go out with hers. I knew that something was wrong and tried to do something about it. I asked if she could come home early one night so we could spend sometime together. She agreed and I spent ages getting the house ready and setting the scene. I even made an attempt at cooking! She never came home that night. The following morning I asked her to leave.

She did leave and shortly afterwards she moved to San Francisco to work at the University of California. Before she left we had started to talk again and had even resumed sleeping together. When she moved to the States I was a little gutted that she had gone. I had lost my best friend and, even though, I suspected we weren't right together, I missed her. Three months later I flew out to San Francisco to spend Christmas with her and, after spending 3 weeks together, she asked if she could come home.

I didn't really know what to say. I wanted to say no, but I couldn't so I said yes. Shortly afterwards my ex would fall pregnant, we would get married and have two wonderful children.

Unfortunately, the marriage wouldn't last and we would divorce seven (and a half) years later. By that time I was 37 and had started to write a children's book (I will let you decide if I'd starting having a further mid-life crisis). This book I did finish and, actually, received some positive feedback (and not just from friends and family) but, have never had the courage to seek its publication.

Maybe, I will!

It's inconsequential!

2011-05-02T20:34:00.001+01:00

I've realised lately that I should never, ever, allow myself to get stressed by insignificant matters. I now know that when I do get stressed it not only affects me but also, and, perhaps, more importantly, those around me. That isn't fair on either them or me.

In particular I have been finding work a stressful experience of late. As a surveyor I am responsible for the financial management of a number of construction projects. In the good old days, before the recession set in, this wasn't a bad job. At that time the vast majority of the projects I worked on were a financial success. Unfortunately, since the recession hit, the construction industry has been badly affected and the, vast majority of, projects I am working on are far from a financial success. Whilst this isn't, necessarily, due to failings on my part it is always left for me to tell the bad news to the company directors - which is a stressful experience.

However, I have now realised that these matters are inconsequential. What is important is what is happening in my life outside of work. Lesson learnt!

Violence - what is it good for?

2011-05-02T18:21:00.002+01:00

This post has been a few weeks in the coming (I said as much here) but has been hastened by the death of Osama Bin Laden.

When I was much younger my friends and I used to drink in The Three Tuns Public House in the centre of Coventry. It wasn't exactly our first choice of pub but it was the only one that would serve us (we were only 16 at the time). On one particular Friday evening my friends and I were stood chatting when a fight broke out. I had no idea what caused the fight, nor did the majority of the other people in the pub, but it soon became clear that one of the participants was a better fighter then the other. He was pummelling the other chap and, to my amazement, the majority of the pub were cheering as each blow landed. I couldn't stand to watch as this poor bloke took a beating and left the pub feeling queasy.

Three years later my friend and I went, to the cinema, to watch Reservoir Dogs. In case you haven't seen the film there is a scene in which the the ear of a police officer is cut off. At this point in the film a huge cheer went up from the watching audience. Whilst I understood the significance of the scene I could not understand how people could cheer such an act. Even worse, in my mind at least, the cheer was followed by laughter as the offender proceeded to talk into the detached ear lobe. I turned to my friend who, I was amazed to see, was also laughing. I had to leave the cinema and was physically sick in the toilets. To this day I still cannot listen to Stuck in the Middle with You without feeling an element of repulsion.

Later the same year I spent an evening with friends at our preferred nightclub of choice (The Pink Parrot - another classy joint!!). I am glad to say that my friends and I had a good night. However, the following morning my mother woke me up in a panic asking me, "What happened?" When I explained nothing, she asked me where all the blood had come from on my shirt. I had no idea. Later that day, however, I would read in the local newspaper that there had been a fight in the nightclub and one of the participants had bitten the other's nose off. I had to throw that shirt away!

Now, I know that this doesn't have anything to do with Osama Bin Laden, or even the death penalty of which I spoke in the previous post, but it did leave me thinking who wins when an argument is decided by violence? Who has the valid argument? The person with the bigger fists? I don't know - what do you think?.

The Gift of Dyslexia

2011-05-01T09:48:00.005+01:00

Being the parent of a child diagnosed dyslexic is difficult. Watching my daughter go from loving school to barely tolerating it was upsetting. In many ways it became even more difficult when my son started to take an interest in reading. Watching as he took to reading effortlessly, like a duck to water, whilst my daughter was flailing about kicking her arms and legs as hard as she could in an attempt to keep her head above the water was hard.

However, if I am being positive, I could easily transpose that equation such that my daughter is in the driving seat. I could give an example of how my daughter has taken to drawing with a natural ability that her brother, and I, can only dream of. Or, how my daughters' attendance at dance and drama classes (Razzamatazz) have helped to develop her natural rhythm such that she can now move with the grace of a swan.

In summary my children just learn differently, just as they play differently and have different eating habits. But, having said that, there is no doubt that it is easier for my son to integrate into the normal way of learning and that is, the sole reason, why it is so hard to watch my daughter struggle with dyslexia. It is hard watching your child struggle in a system that is not designed to help them flourish.

So, what have my ex-wife and I been doing to help my daughter?

Since my last post, when my daughter was merely being labelled by her school as slow, we have had formal confirmation that my daughter is dyslexic. An independent Psychologist, employed by Dyslexia Action, undertook the tests and concluded that my daughter was "not a slow learner. Her verbal abilities place her higher than 66% of her age peers and suggest sound academic potential." Despite the fact I knew that, it was a relief, to see the confirmation in writing.

Armed with that information my ex-wife went into full fight mode with the school. As a former governor she knew the system from the inside and has coerced the school into pushing for Dyslexic Friendly status. It has to be said that the school seem to have enjoyed this journey, despite the fact I have little doubt that it would not have happened without the pressure from my ex-wife.

My daughter now attends the local branch of Dyslexia Action once a week for a full morning of learning which she loves. Despite the fact that these classes are run by a charity my ex-wife and I still contribute towards the cost of my daughters attendance - which we can afford. I now worry more for those children that are not so lucky.

I know now that my daughter will grow and develop into whatever career she chooses. Her learning difficulties have given her a strength, determination and work effort that will see her through.

Love you E.

Post publication edit: I would encourage anyone that suspects their child to be dyslexic to seek help. If my daughter had not seen the report from the psychologist, that confirmed that she wasn't slow, I am sure that she would have began to crumble and cave in.

(I should point out that I shamelessly stole the title of this post from the book of the same name by Ronald Davies)

I used to envy my friend....

2011-04-30T15:22:00.005+01:00

who worked as a photographer at Fort Lauderdale, Florida. But, that was before I had kids and realised that Skull Fort is where the real fun is at:

We found this tree house whilst on holiday - the kids loved it.

Whilst this post is simple it is actually quite pivotal in the life of this blog. I had decided, whilst on holiday, to put the donkey to sleep. It appeared that my recent posts had been misinterpreted and were hurting people, I was afraid that the blog was making me live in the past rather than the moment and it was making me focus on the negative rather than the positive. I felt like I needed a change of scene, somewhere else to hide and a new direction. However, soon after deciding to silence the donkey, I had a desire to do a follow up post on my daughter's dyslexia, to commit my thoughts of the moment to print and to record my memories before they were forgotten. Therefore, the blog is staying!

The holiday was great for me, it allowed me to relax, spend time loving my children and put things in perspective!

I hope that you had an equally enjoyable Easter!