A different take on life.

I've been feeling guilty lately.

Guilty that things aren't going as well at work as they should be.

Guilty for dating before I was ready.

Guilty for not being able to spend as much time with the kids as I would like.

Guilty for not being able to get to see my Nan.

It almost feels like I've been feeling guilty about feeling guilty.

And then last night, as I had dinner with my two colleagues, one of them said to me(completely out of the blue),

"You know what your problem is Spencer? You don't do anything just for you - for fucks sake be selfish for once and just do something for you!"

Now, I feel guilty for not looking after me!!

I received a text from the ex-wife...

...which read,

"It looks like E might have her first boyfriend, a little boy called Louis, he came for dinner and a play tonight."

I wasn't entirely sure how to respond so went with,

"Hmmm..."

She then said,

"His parents are friends of ours - they run the Willow Tree."

I didn't say it but I thought,

"HMMMM..."

Not only does my daughter have her first boyfriend but his father is the landlord of my local pub! So, that would be the same man that has taken my bar orders for the past few months. The same man who I have had many a drunken, and very possibly one sided, conversation with!

I'm not sure how I should feel about this?

I don't want my little girl to grow up and, I certainly, don't want her to grow up this quickly!
She should be out making daisy chains, skipping and playing with dolls - she shouldn't be having boyfriends!!!!

And my ex-wife shouldn't be friends with the landlord of my local!

And what exactly does, "and a play" mean?

Advice

I've been writing scribbling this blog for over a year now. I think the actual anniversary was in June sometime. At the time I did think about it but, it didn't seem an achievement worthy of acknowledgement.

However, in that 12 month period I have been given some great advice from some wonderful people. People that are stationed all over this small planet of ours. People that I now consider friends (even though I have never met any of you). I, sometimes, wonder how different this blog would look if I had started it a few years earlier. It would chart the failure of my marriage, the darkest days of my divorce, my re-emergence from those days and my development as a father. Perhaps, if I'd had my blog back then, some things would have turned out differently? Perhaps, not? Who knows?

Anyway, in celebration of my one year anniversary I thought I'd share some of the pearls of wisdom that have remained with me:

1) T - "You can't catch a ball whilst your hands are full."

2) Mrs K(ellogsville) - "If you can't say something nice then don't say nothing at all!" (although, I think she may have stolen that one from Thumper).

3) Shammy - You'll never produce an honest days work if you're stuck in a job that you don't like! (Shammy has given me so much good advice - it is because she is old and wise! (she has a 40 year old son you know!).

4)Erin - "Just be true to your heart and do what feels right."

5)Tattie Weasle - "As for looking at the past, we all do that sometimes you need to get it all out in order to move on, so do it. Write it down, then it is finished and you can go forward."

6) Mrs K(ingston) - "This blog will help too because you can write whatever you feel, whenever, and know that we are here to support and understand and maybe advise but never to judge."

These are just a few that come to mind (sorry if I have misquoted anyone), there are many other examples that I could have used. I really do appreciate each and every comment that is made on my blog.

I like my blog but I love my blog community!

My weekend.

I've had a great weekend! It has been full of the things I love, so many that I could write a hundred posts, here are just a handful:

1) I loved it when my daughter, who didn't think I could make it to her football match, beamed when she saw me standing at the touchline cheering her on.

2) I loved it when my little boy, who as soon as he saw me, came running up to me with his arms flung open, a huge smile on his face and gave me a massive hug.

3) I loved it that my boys friends wanted me to play with them.

4) I love the fact that my ex-wife and I are parenting together for the benefit of our children.

5) I loved the night out with my friends last night (even if I did have the mother of all hangovers today!).

I hope that your weekend was just as good!

There is nothing like......

.....living your dreams through your kids!

One day that girl will play for England!

Memory triggers!

As humans we have triggers that make us recall vivid memories. These triggers can be a scent, a touch, a taste, a sight or a sound. Most of my memories are triggered by sounds and, more precisely, music. I had one of those trigger moments today. I was listening to a band that I've known for many a long year. In fact when I first started listening to them, as a fresh faced 20 year old, they were still in nappies and had to be breastfed between songs.

I am referring of course to Ash. It has been known for me to convince myself that I was never in love with my ex-wife but, today, when I heard this song I knew that was a crock of sh1t! I used to listen to this song whilst I was driving up the M1 to visit her at University. I loved those days and I still love this song:



Then came this song which reminds me of a much more recent love:



and finally this one that reminds me of a long distant love affair (with Jackie Chan):



PS. They all need to be played loud to achieve maximum effect!

Thank you!

Today I had a day out with the kids at an amusement park in Leicestershire. It was a great day - I loved it. I spent the day playing with my kids, a friend and her lad. I didn't think things could get much better.

Then I saw a group of Brownies and I wondered if, the very wise and wonderful, Mrs K, was their leader. Mrs K. being, just, one of the people that I have met through this social media thingy-me-jig who have provided words of wisdom, friendship and support to me through the good times and the bad.

I, sometimes, question whether it is wise to place my inner most thoughts on the internet but I then remember that I love my blog and the people that I have been lucky enough to meet because of it!

Thank you all!

So, about this new old job I've got!

I went into work today (I'm still at my old employer as I don't start with the new employer until a week Monday) and was immediately called into the office of my boss.

He told me that, whilst there was about to be a staff announcement, he wanted to let me know that the board of directors (the Managing Director and the Financial Director) were, as of 6.00pm last night, no longer in charge and had left the company. He then reminded me that, when I tendered my resignation, he agreed with every point I made and stated that things wouldn't get any better until significant changes were made at the very top of the company. He then asked me the million dollar question...

"...will you now reconsider your decision to resign?"

I told him that I needed the weekend to think things over. As he was going away on holiday for two weeks, he stated that he needed a decision today. So, I took myself off for a few hours to think. When I returned to the office I still didn't know what I was going to do. However, there was a definite feeling of calm in the office - a feeling I had never experienced before in that office. People were relaxed - the negative atmosphere had gone. The black cloud surrounding the office had certainly lifted.

So, I made the decision to stay!

I may, or may not, have made the right decision, only time will tell, but I'll give it a go. One thing that is certain is that the main "bully" has left the company and that can only be a good thing!

Crazy days!

So, about this new job!

Having now given my notice at my current employer and accepted the position I mentioned in a previous post I now know where I will be working on the 26th September.

I will finish my employment with my current employer on the 23rd. I will then start with my new employer on the 26th (I'll be working for the Americans - but more of that later) and on the 27th I will return to my current employer as a consultant (working through my new employer).

Having stated that I was desperate to leave the employment of my current company you might have thought that this would have been a disappointment to me - but it isn't. I have to say that my current employer has been very good and tried very hard to keep me before accepting I wasn't for turning and it was then that they approached my new employer, with my agreement, to see if I could return for a few months on a consultancy basis. As I am moving to a consultant the decision for them was merely a case of economics (ie we will be charging Spencer out at £x if you are willing to pay that then you can have him).

So, it is all change but all staying the same!

Changes!

I made some much needed changes on Friday. For the past 10 months I have worked in a company like no other I've ever known. It is a company where a culture of blame and bullying is rife. I'd worked with it - telling myself it was paying the bills but I decided on Thursday I couldn't cope anymore with the shouting, the bollockings and the belittling.

On Friday I went into the office with the intention of becoming the 21st surveyor to leave the company in the past 12 months. As it happens I was the 22nd - as I arrived at the office one of my team gave me his resignation saying he had to leave for his own sanity. So, I had to tell my boss that we were both going and, boy, did it feel good when I had. All the pressure and stress I've been carrying disappeared.

I still have the job offer I spoke about recently, although I had ruled that job out as I thought I'd miss the kids too much whilst away, and I have an interview on Tuesday. Whichever way it goes I feel an enormous amount of relief at the moment. I don't think I could stand that job a moment longer!

I wonder how different the world would look if more people had listened to this song...

John Lennon 'Imagine'

The holiday - my daughters view

I've given the story of my sons holiday now here is, for me at least, the defining part of my daughters holiday.

Picture the scene - it was a beautiful and sunny day and the kids, my mum and I were on the beach playing. My son, who has only started school this week, picks up a stick and starts to write his name in the sand. My mum, ever the doting grandmother, bigs up the achievement. My son, on a high, continues to write a sentence.
My mum heaps the praise on. My daughter looks both proud and sad. I know what she is thinking and look at her. She looks at me and says,

"I'm really pleased that J can spell better then me but I wish I could just get it."

At times I hate the that fact my daughter is hindered by dyslexia. However, that doesn't last long for I just remind myself, as I told
her,

"You're brilliant baby and I am so proud of you and couldn't love you more!"

A story of love, loss and new beginnings.

I know that this sounds like the story of my life but it isn't. It is much, much, much more important that that! This is the story of my boys holiday.

It started with a glance over the pirate ship:

He saw her from his vantage point in the crows nest and knew immediately that she was special. I could see the apprehension in his little face as he approached her and said,

"Hi, I'm J what's your name?"

She looked, smiled and replied, "I'm C. I am with my sister."

As they played together on the pirate ship they became inseperable. They sat next to each other on the roundabout gazing into each others eyes:

Each day C would knock on our caravan door and ask if J could come out to play. I would take them to the park and watch as they laughed and smiled at each other. It was a joy to watch.

Until one day when C's vacation came to an end. I could see the sorrow in my boy's heart. He no longer wanted to play. He seemed lost. This wasn't a joy to watch:

I'm not sure that my boy is yet over his first romance, however, when I went around to see him today he did say to me,

"Girls are boring, Daddy!"

And to the new beginnings:

Tomorrow my boy starts his first ever day at school. My boy is almost 5 and my little girl is almost 9. Where does the time go?

The picture that sums up my holiday!

Love it!