My holiday has been great with one exception. Everytime we have looked to get ready to go out in the evening my daughter has complained awfully that she is fat, has no clothes that suit her and looks awful. If I am honest I'm at a loss at how to deal with this. My daughter is far from fat. She wears clothes a year or two above her age group but then she is almost 6 inches taller then all her friends.
It worries me that this is the start of worse things to come. My kids eat a well balanced diet and we do lots of physical activity together but my daughter is never going to be a size zero (that just isn't her body shape) and I wouldn't want her to be - but I fear that she wants to be.
I fear that such a desire will only lead to disappointment. I will constantly tell her she looks beautiful but, when her role models are all skin and bone, I'm not sure that she will listen.
Any advice would be gratefully received.
Tuesday, 30 August 2011
Monday, 29 August 2011
Saturday, 27 August 2011
Tuesday, 23 August 2011
There were 3 in the bed and the little one said roll over!
I picked up my little ones today for the first time in 2 weeks as they have been away on holiday with their mum.
I was sooooooo excited, both to see them, but also because I have them for two whole weeks now. We are stopping at my mums for the next few days, as I have to work tomorrow, before we have a few local day trips before venturing to the coast at the weekend.
Whilst at my mum's the kids share a double bed. Normally, I read them a story before leaving them to sleep. Tonight, I fell asleep with them and, as I type this and look down, I have one little head on one shoulder and another on the other - we are all sweltering in a humid night.
In truth it is rather uncomforable, however, I am left wondering, "does life get any better then this?"
I hope you enjoy the remainder of the holidays as much as I will!
I was sooooooo excited, both to see them, but also because I have them for two whole weeks now. We are stopping at my mums for the next few days, as I have to work tomorrow, before we have a few local day trips before venturing to the coast at the weekend.
Whilst at my mum's the kids share a double bed. Normally, I read them a story before leaving them to sleep. Tonight, I fell asleep with them and, as I type this and look down, I have one little head on one shoulder and another on the other - we are all sweltering in a humid night.
In truth it is rather uncomforable, however, I am left wondering, "does life get any better then this?"
I hope you enjoy the remainder of the holidays as much as I will!
Sunday, 21 August 2011
What a difference a year makes.
This time last year I was coming back from a short break away with J. I loved that short break despite the fact we experienced a number of difficulties along the way. Those four short days were eventful. J found out that some thieving b'stards had cleaned out her bank account and we ended up in a car crash that left us both with severe whiplash. But, even so, I loved those few days we shared together.
It is fair to say that I was very happy back then. I was spending time with a woman that I loved and who, I thought, loved me.
As most of my readers will know the relationship ended in March. The split left me reeling. It hurt - with an intensity and depth that I had never experienced before. Not only did I lose a lover but I also lost the friendship of a very wonderful and warm person (one that I spoke to almost every night and for hours at a time).
A day hasn't gone by without J coming to my mind (and on lots of occasions I've struggled to get her out of my head). However, the pain has now subsided, even if I do still wake up with an emptiness inside. I guess that time will heal that as well.
In the period since the split, I have, I am ashamed to admit, hurt other people. I have dated - too early in the healing process - in a bid to try and ease the pain. Whenever those dates have progressed such that any emotion has been shown, I have broken things off. The "relationship" with my dentist (if we can call a few dates a relationship?) ended when she told me she, "adored me" and the relationship with A (again only a few dates) ended when she told me she, "loved me."
However, I have also made strides forward. I have progressed a lot. The darkness that enveloped me in those early days, weeks and, even, months has lifted. I have stopped analysing our relationship looking for clues as to what went wrong. I have accepted that things are the way they are - I've even realised that J made a difficult decision and it is one that I respect. I have realised that the reason things didn't work out with either A or my Dentist wasn't because I was still hung up over J - it was because we weren't right together (even if I am still hung up over J!!). I have started to look to the future.
Now, from where I've been, that is progress!
(Once again, I am left wondering whether I should press the publish button or the delete button on this post. There are so many posts that I wrote in the weeks after the split that I regret publishing. I am hoping that this isn't added to that list).
It is fair to say that I was very happy back then. I was spending time with a woman that I loved and who, I thought, loved me.
As most of my readers will know the relationship ended in March. The split left me reeling. It hurt - with an intensity and depth that I had never experienced before. Not only did I lose a lover but I also lost the friendship of a very wonderful and warm person (one that I spoke to almost every night and for hours at a time).
A day hasn't gone by without J coming to my mind (and on lots of occasions I've struggled to get her out of my head). However, the pain has now subsided, even if I do still wake up with an emptiness inside. I guess that time will heal that as well.
In the period since the split, I have, I am ashamed to admit, hurt other people. I have dated - too early in the healing process - in a bid to try and ease the pain. Whenever those dates have progressed such that any emotion has been shown, I have broken things off. The "relationship" with my dentist (if we can call a few dates a relationship?) ended when she told me she, "adored me" and the relationship with A (again only a few dates) ended when she told me she, "loved me."
However, I have also made strides forward. I have progressed a lot. The darkness that enveloped me in those early days, weeks and, even, months has lifted. I have stopped analysing our relationship looking for clues as to what went wrong. I have accepted that things are the way they are - I've even realised that J made a difficult decision and it is one that I respect. I have realised that the reason things didn't work out with either A or my Dentist wasn't because I was still hung up over J - it was because we weren't right together (even if I am still hung up over J!!). I have started to look to the future.
Now, from where I've been, that is progress!
(Once again, I am left wondering whether I should press the publish button or the delete button on this post. There are so many posts that I wrote in the weeks after the split that I regret publishing. I am hoping that this isn't added to that list).
Saturday, 20 August 2011
I'd best enjoy this holiday!
Whilst taking a break from packing the clothes for our holiday I had one of those sentimental moments that creeps up on you, takes you by surprise, stops you in your tracks and makes you think (and in my case brought a little tear to my eye).
I looked up at the photograph of my daughter hanging on the wall and realised that she is no longer my baby. She is growing up. She is no longer a little girl - she is now - just a girl! And a girl that likes to catch the attention of the boys in the playground! She is now eight, and fast approaching nine. My little baby is now nearer to the age where she won't want to go on holiday with me, then she is the age where I rocked her to sleep cradled in my arms.
God, I love that girl and, boy do I wish I had a time machine!
I looked up at the photograph of my daughter hanging on the wall and realised that she is no longer my baby. She is growing up. She is no longer a little girl - she is now - just a girl! And a girl that likes to catch the attention of the boys in the playground! She is now eight, and fast approaching nine. My little baby is now nearer to the age where she won't want to go on holiday with me, then she is the age where I rocked her to sleep cradled in my arms.
God, I love that girl and, boy do I wish I had a time machine!
Wednesday, 17 August 2011
It feels like home.
Just lately, and as a result of working away, I've been spending a lot of time in my city of birth as opposed to my adopted home and I've found that it feels like home.
The city, that I gladly moved away from in 2002, now seems to be calling out to me. There is a lot to be said for surrounding yourself with those that care most, your family and friends, especially when you've been going through a rough patch.
The thought of moving 50 miles from the kids used to seem horrendous but I now think it is something I have to do. I will still see them at weekends and, if I ever manage to get a job in my adopted home, I may return but, for now at least, I think I'm homeward bound!
The city, that I gladly moved away from in 2002, now seems to be calling out to me. There is a lot to be said for surrounding yourself with those that care most, your family and friends, especially when you've been going through a rough patch.
The thought of moving 50 miles from the kids used to seem horrendous but I now think it is something I have to do. I will still see them at weekends and, if I ever manage to get a job in my adopted home, I may return but, for now at least, I think I'm homeward bound!
Tuesday, 16 August 2011
A sad day!
Last year I attended the wedding reception of a former colleague and friend of mine. My friend had been married previously but, as he said to me, he had finally met his soulmate. His wife to be had been battling cancer but had, we thought, won the battle. She looked wonderful in her wedding dress and showed no signs of the arduous times that she had endured over the previous couple of years.
I was informed last night that the cancer had returned and that she had passed away on Sunday night.
To say it was a shock would be an understatement. I currently feel shocked, shaken and a little numb.
I never quite know what to do in such events. Should I attend the funeral? Should I just send my condolences?
I'm not entirely sure but, I do know I feel emotionally drained so I can't even begin to think how my friend feels.
A sad day indeed.
I was informed last night that the cancer had returned and that she had passed away on Sunday night.
To say it was a shock would be an understatement. I currently feel shocked, shaken and a little numb.
I never quite know what to do in such events. Should I attend the funeral? Should I just send my condolences?
I'm not entirely sure but, I do know I feel emotionally drained so I can't even begin to think how my friend feels.
A sad day indeed.
Monday, 15 August 2011
Picture the scene...
...you are a 35 year old male, married with two kids. You know that something is wrong in your marriage but you have no idea that it is fatally wounded. You march on, you go to work, you bring back a wage to feed and clothe the kids, you take control of the kids when you get home, you bathe your children, you rock the baby to sleep, you tell the little one a bedtime story, you wake up with the baby, you feed him and then you try and grab a little sleep.
You then find out your marriage is at an end. Irreconcilable differences are quoted - or more specifically a statement is made that, "you never paid enough attention to your wife." You move out of the house and find you now need to fund two mortgages. You need some extra cash. You consider prostitution but you're not sure how to market your skills so decide against that option. Instead you work longer hours and, thus, you see your children less.
The bankers get even more greedy and gamble the future of the planet on red. The roulette wheel lands on black. The entire system is shafted - although, for some reason, the bankers get their bets refunded. People lose their jobs - you lose yours. You travel even further, work even longer hours and see your kids even less.
Back then the state of the economy, and society as a whole, wasn't the banker's fault - it was the fault of single mums. Those good for nothings that bring children up with no regard for what is right or wrong.
But, that was three years ago, single mums now have a voice - single mums are now powerful - they've found the internet. They've found mumsnet. Politicians, and the press, now like single mums! No longer are all the ills in society caused by single mums. In fact they are now heroines corrupted by unjust fathers.
Useless fathers, feckless fathers, fathers who should have been sterilised, absent fathers. Good for nothings that bring children into this world but then leave.
So, that would be fathers like me!
At least we know it's not the bankers fault!
You then find out your marriage is at an end. Irreconcilable differences are quoted - or more specifically a statement is made that, "you never paid enough attention to your wife." You move out of the house and find you now need to fund two mortgages. You need some extra cash. You consider prostitution but you're not sure how to market your skills so decide against that option. Instead you work longer hours and, thus, you see your children less.
The bankers get even more greedy and gamble the future of the planet on red. The roulette wheel lands on black. The entire system is shafted - although, for some reason, the bankers get their bets refunded. People lose their jobs - you lose yours. You travel even further, work even longer hours and see your kids even less.
Back then the state of the economy, and society as a whole, wasn't the banker's fault - it was the fault of single mums. Those good for nothings that bring children up with no regard for what is right or wrong.
But, that was three years ago, single mums now have a voice - single mums are now powerful - they've found the internet. They've found mumsnet. Politicians, and the press, now like single mums! No longer are all the ills in society caused by single mums. In fact they are now heroines corrupted by unjust fathers.
Useless fathers, feckless fathers, fathers who should have been sterilised, absent fathers. Good for nothings that bring children into this world but then leave.
So, that would be fathers like me!
At least we know it's not the bankers fault!
Sunday, 14 August 2011
There are some things that I never thought I'd have to buy
As an eighteen year old I can remember vividly the first moment that I realised my hair had started to fall out. I was sat in a physics class and one of my best friends, who was sat behind me, shouted out, "Christ, do you realise how big your crown is!" I then went home to be told by my father, "If you really are going to molt could you please have the decency to clean the plug hole out afterwards!" At that point I knew that I was destined to be completely bald by the time I was in my early twenties.
However, I did used to satisfy myself that by going bald quickly, and at such a tender age, I wouldn't have to suffer like my other friends who seemed to either:
a) Lose hair progressively and over a long period of time such that they could convince themselves that they weren't really losing their hair at all (a few of my friends have, over the years, sported the Bobby Charlton look!) or,
b) Slowly go grey.
Imagine my disappointment, therefore, when I realised that a much worst fate awaited me.
Just lately I have started to grow the largest and curliest hairs known to man! Which would be great if they were on the top of my head but they are not! They are in all the wrong places - the places that long and curly hairs should never be! I now have the bushiest eye brows and the sproutest ear and nose hairs ever seen.
But, by the grace of God, and the pure genius of man, I have been able to combat these evil hairs by purchasing one of these:
I salute you Mr Remington, and the wonderful device known as, "The Remington Nose & Hair Clipper!"
However, I did used to satisfy myself that by going bald quickly, and at such a tender age, I wouldn't have to suffer like my other friends who seemed to either:
a) Lose hair progressively and over a long period of time such that they could convince themselves that they weren't really losing their hair at all (a few of my friends have, over the years, sported the Bobby Charlton look!) or,
b) Slowly go grey.
Imagine my disappointment, therefore, when I realised that a much worst fate awaited me.
Just lately I have started to grow the largest and curliest hairs known to man! Which would be great if they were on the top of my head but they are not! They are in all the wrong places - the places that long and curly hairs should never be! I now have the bushiest eye brows and the sproutest ear and nose hairs ever seen.
But, by the grace of God, and the pure genius of man, I have been able to combat these evil hairs by purchasing one of these:
I salute you Mr Remington, and the wonderful device known as, "The Remington Nose & Hair Clipper!"
Friday, 12 August 2011
Struggling (just a little)!
I've been struggling to know what to write lately. It's not writers block per se - just that whenever I put pen to paper I find myself dwelling on past events and I don't want to. Instead I want, and need, to focus on the good times yet to come.
I want to focus on the holiday I'm about to have, the new job that I may start (another decision I'll probably fudge), the new friendships I've been making, the start of a new football season.
Instead when I come here I tend to think of past events - and I don't want to go there so, instead, I've been staying away as, when I overanalyse past events, I find myself lacking and I know that is a back alley leading nowhere.
I want to focus on the holiday I'm about to have, the new job that I may start (another decision I'll probably fudge), the new friendships I've been making, the start of a new football season.
Instead when I come here I tend to think of past events - and I don't want to go there so, instead, I've been staying away as, when I overanalyse past events, I find myself lacking and I know that is a back alley leading nowhere.
Thursday, 4 August 2011
Running!
I've been thinking about running a lot lately. Mainly running away, running back home, running to my sister (well my mum actually - but a desire to run for your mum seems a little childish in a grown man!), running to my friends, running to anywhere but here.
However, today I actually did something about it. I did something that I used to do most days but haven't these last few weeks. I strapped on my running shoes and went for my 5 mile run. I didn't think I'd be able to manage it but I did. And guess what?
I LOVED IT!
It cleared my mind, I found that I'd missed being chased by the Canadian Geese (those Canadians can be a snappy lot!) and I got a thrill racing the women's cox-less fours practising on the river.
As I sit here caked in sweat, I feel good. I feel relaxed and ready to take on the world.
Which is a good thing as I've accepted a job working for the Americans (yes, I know, those Americans can be even more snappy then the Canadians!).
PS. I just wanted to thank you all for the lovely comments over the last few weeks. They really are appreciated and have been really helpful. (And I didn't mean those comments about Americans and Canadians - honest).
However, today I actually did something about it. I did something that I used to do most days but haven't these last few weeks. I strapped on my running shoes and went for my 5 mile run. I didn't think I'd be able to manage it but I did. And guess what?
I LOVED IT!
It cleared my mind, I found that I'd missed being chased by the Canadian Geese (those Canadians can be a snappy lot!) and I got a thrill racing the women's cox-less fours practising on the river.
As I sit here caked in sweat, I feel good. I feel relaxed and ready to take on the world.
Which is a good thing as I've accepted a job working for the Americans (yes, I know, those Americans can be even more snappy then the Canadians!).
PS. I just wanted to thank you all for the lovely comments over the last few weeks. They really are appreciated and have been really helpful. (And I didn't mean those comments about Americans and Canadians - honest).
Monday, 1 August 2011
Closed!
I've been feeling a little bit closed lately. I feel like the light at the end of the tunnel - people can see me but they cannot reach me.
We are all shaped, for better or worse, by our pasts and my recent past has involved hurt that I never forsaw. I'm not blaming anyone (other then myself maybe), as I am sure the signs were there, but I never read them and that has changed me. I recently read a post that suggested men that have been hurt build walls and, whilst I agree with 99% of the things written by this lovely blogger, I found myself thinking, "nonsense!"
So, I asked a friend, "Do you think I have built a wall around me?" she replied with, "Christ, I had started to forget what you looked like, your walls were so high." I guess self preservation has kicked in!
I know that I have no desire to be part of a serious relationship - in fact I've found myself questioning the very concept of a serious relationship. I've spoken to people who have said, "romances come and go - friendships are enduring." I have found this concept, and the fact that people freely accept it, difficult to grasp. I suppose that I was much happier as a hopeless romantic.
Perhaps, this is just a phase I'm going through? As much a part of the healing process as the apathy I'm also feeling?
At the same time I'm also finding myself torn. I feel a need to experience new things but also a desire to return to the places I know. I desire the company of strangers but also feel a need to surround myself with friends.
I guess that I'm still a work in progress.
However, if I am just a work in progress, at least I have one constant - a source of great power. The greatest love I could have been gifted. The love that I share with my children.
Now, I have to decide whether I should press the delete button or the publish button.
Decisions, decisions!
We are all shaped, for better or worse, by our pasts and my recent past has involved hurt that I never forsaw. I'm not blaming anyone (other then myself maybe), as I am sure the signs were there, but I never read them and that has changed me. I recently read a post that suggested men that have been hurt build walls and, whilst I agree with 99% of the things written by this lovely blogger, I found myself thinking, "nonsense!"
So, I asked a friend, "Do you think I have built a wall around me?" she replied with, "Christ, I had started to forget what you looked like, your walls were so high." I guess self preservation has kicked in!
I know that I have no desire to be part of a serious relationship - in fact I've found myself questioning the very concept of a serious relationship. I've spoken to people who have said, "romances come and go - friendships are enduring." I have found this concept, and the fact that people freely accept it, difficult to grasp. I suppose that I was much happier as a hopeless romantic.
Perhaps, this is just a phase I'm going through? As much a part of the healing process as the apathy I'm also feeling?
At the same time I'm also finding myself torn. I feel a need to experience new things but also a desire to return to the places I know. I desire the company of strangers but also feel a need to surround myself with friends.
I guess that I'm still a work in progress.
However, if I am just a work in progress, at least I have one constant - a source of great power. The greatest love I could have been gifted. The love that I share with my children.
Now, I have to decide whether I should press the delete button or the publish button.
Decisions, decisions!
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