Last night....

I had "that" chat with J. The one that I needed in order to have closure, the one that I needed to understand and the one that I needed to be able to move on.

Anyway, that's not why I'm here. I'm here because certain things make me chuckle and this did so I wanted to share it:

Talking of last night I may as well add this just because, I can and, it's brilliant:



PS If you want any Tory merchandise you can find it here

Packing picnics, skimming stones and making friends.

On Sunday the kids and I took advantage of the first glimpse of sunshine to have a picnic (in truth it was still a little cold as the pictures clearly show!)

We had a great time and, as we were at the river, I tried, for the umpteenth time, to teach the kids the ancient art of skimming stones.

Unfortuantely, they couldn't master this extremely useful skill and were about to go home disappointed when I stopped them and delighted them with my wonderful 8 skimmer - they may not realise it yet, but there is a still a lot this old man has to teach those kids!

It has also been on my mind of late that my friends are all too away for those times that I need a quick conversation or a pint. Thus, I came to the decision that I need to expand my social circle in Nottingham and, to this end, Thursday night and Sunday evening were a great success. I had a great time and, I hope, that I have made a number of new friends.

Good news, bad news and proof that I'm the best daddy, ever!

The Good News

I received the results from my dogs biopsy test and I am glad to say that the growths were benign. This is great news, not least, because I don't think that I could have afforded to have him treated for cancer (it cost £468 to have the growths removed and tested alone!).

The Bad News

The stupid dog still doesn't understand the rules of football. Dog - You cannot pick the ball up!! (well, unless you're American and then anything goes!).

Proof that I'm the best daddy, ever!

As I have said before my daughter attends drama classes and she loves to dance. She also loves to watch dance so we have just sat and watched a whole episode of "So you think you can dance!". I find it difficult to believe that any father has ever sacrificed so much for his daughter before!

Feedback from my interview.

I went for an interview yesterday and, whilst I'm never really sure how I've performed in interviews , I thought it went okay.

The feedback, however, was not good. I had been offered a position with this company back in 2006 which I turned down. They suggested that, since that time, my confidence had taken a battering as my performance in the interview was fragile. At first I was a little taken aback with the feedback but, having taken time to reflect, I guess that their viewpoint is almost correct.

Back in 2006 I was hungry for promotion and I was able, and willing, to demonstrate an appetite and enthusiasm. for the job. Since that time I fell into a comfort zone with my previous employer. I had been there for almost 10 years and they knew my capabilities and knew that I would perform any task asked of me to a high standard. Because of this I never needed to demonstrate my commitment and passion - it was taken as a given. This has created a situation in which I have found it hard to now demonstrate that passion and capability to a new prospective employer.

The feedback, whilst initially a blow, has stirred me to make sure that I get the next job!

There are some things that just blow my mind...

....like the coming together of an egg and a seed to create a baby. Like the vastness of the universe - ever expanding.

Today, as I drove to my interview I felt the sun on my skin and the serotonin levels in my body increase. I could feel my spirit physically lift. I know that seeing the sun gives me a lift just as, I know that, not seeing the sun gives me a low. It blows my mind that my body can take the suns rays and, the goodness that they hold, and use them to make me feel better. At times like these I think that life is beautiful.

I've seen the onset of depression (not in me). I know that when it takes hold there is little that the poor person suffering can do to resist. The brain is flooded with chemicals that create a feeling of negativity and destroys their soul.

I've seen scientists induce psychosis in rats, by the application of massive doses of drugs, for the purpose of research. There is nothing these rats can do to prevent these drugs affecting their brains. They are powerless to resist.

I've seen the same rats, so influenced by the hit of heroin that they, freely offer their limbs to their captors for the next application of the drug.

At times like these I feel humble. At times like these I realise that we are merely a combination of chemistry and physics and our well being is influenced by so many factors outside of our control.

At times like these I realise that life is for living!

My weekend.

In order to try and move on, and not think about J, I kept myself busy this weekend. Yesterday, I treated the garden fence and today I gave the house a decent spring clean. In the process I had a good sort out of the wardrobes and sent numerous bags of surplus clothing to the charity shop (mainly clothes that the kids have outgrown but also a lot of clothes that I've purchased but never worn). It feels like I am finally organised in this house (I've only been here for 18 months).

However, whilst doing the cleaning I did have one or two low moments. Wherever I went I found collections of J's discarded hair grips - each one seemed to hold a memory. I collected them altogether and stored them away with my hair clippers (perhaps I should have thrown them away?). I then found myself pulling lengths of J's hair from the bathroom plughole and my heart sank as I thought that I may never have to do that task again. I then moved into the shower room and, as I opened the bathroom cabinet, found myself staring at J's toiletries. Rather then deal with the issue I merely shut the cabinet doors.

As I organised my sock drawer I found a tube of edible chocolate paint and, whilst I have no idea where it could possibly have come from, it made me smile. Again, I closed the drawer rather then throw the offending item away.

I guess I know why I'm putting off dealing with the remaining items but I think I'll cut myself a little slack. And besides, what I put off today can keep me busy tomorrow!

Life lessons from an eight year old

Today is Comic Relief day and, in order to raise money for charity, my daughters school were having a non-uniform day. Each child was allowed, in exchange for £1, to dress as a pirate. I don't think I did a bad job considering I only found out about the event late last night:

Whilst I was making her costume my little girl, who I am thinking of renaming The Inquisitor, asked me,

"Daddy, are you good with girls?" To which I replied,

"Errr... no, apparently, not." She then said to me,

"Daddy, I'm going to stab you through the heart with my dagger!"

"Yes, that's pretty much my experience with girls." I replied. (Only Joking!)

Okay, it's true I'm still a little low.

But on a positive when I took my little girl to school I saw a friend who was also taking his daughter to school. He looked around the playground and then asked me,

"Was there meant to have been a pirate theme?" As I looked down at his daughter dressed as a fairy, then down to my daughter dressed as a pirate and around at all the other kids dressed as pirates I replied,

"I, don't think so."

Is it bad that I'm pleased that, for the first time ever, I wasn't the least prepared father in the playground?

The vet said to me...

that she didn't understand why my dog doesn't like her. I smiled and thought to myself, "I do!"

I was going to do a post about trees...

,just like the majority of British bloggers, but I found the topic a little wooden! (Plus I couldn't possibly reproduce anything as beautiful as Kellogsville - please go and have a look as it really is a post worthy of an award!).

So, instead I am going to share with you some things that I have learnt about myself today:

1) I learn from experiences.

When I separated from my wife I found it difficult to admit the situation to my friends. I kept my distance. This was a disastrous move as I ended up missing my friends more then my ex. When I split from J I was tempted to do the same thing - but I didn't. Last night I phoned one of my friends, explained to him what had happened and went for a beer with him. On Friday I was due to go out with my friends and J. It was a couples evening and, very much, the sort of thing I would have avoided when I split from my ex. This time I spoke to one of my friends, explained my doubts about attending, and have been told that I am going! I am looking forward to it now!

2) I'm not very good when tired.

I haven't been enjoying my new job very much. However, I have spent this week in Coventry, which has reduced my commute to half an hour, and I have started to enjoy the job. However, I cannot cope with the 90 minute commute and really must find a new job!

3) I am a happy person.

Yes, I was down yesterday but, as I have said before, I bounce. Today, I am happy again. I still have lots more life to experience (I hope!) and I don't intend spending it being sad!

4) I like myself.

I have no real idea why J finished the relationship and, initially, that made me question myself. Then I gave it a little more thought and decided it wasn't worth worrying about. I am, fundamentally, a nice person and that is, in my view, all that matters.

5) I have a great weekend planned.

This was meant to be a long weekend spent with J but those plans have, unsurprisingly, been cancelled and others made. Tomorrow night I will now collect my kids from their mums, take my daughter to school on Friday and spend the day with my lad. I will then collect my little girl from school and take them for dinner. I haven't had chance to do that for sometime and I am really looking forward to it. After dropping them back at their mums I will drive to Coventry to go out with my friends. On Monday I have an interview with a company nearer home.

Life is good when you view it with a smile!

For all that's good about me!

Sometimes, you need a set back to move forward - right?

Sometimes, you need a knock to give you the impetus to make a change?

I didn't really want to write this post but I have to. This blog started as one thing but it has become another. It has become my place of learning and you have become my teachers, my peers and my support network. By writing things down I can clarify my thoughts and move on. I can place my sorrow onto a metaphorical leaf and let the current take it away on a sea of hope and aspirations.

Yes, it is true that I am hurting. Yes, it is true that I believed we had something good but it takes two to tango and J wanted to waltz. It's no-ones fault - it's just the way it is!

And to the impetus:

I was a positive person but, just lately, I've become a little negative and a little too cynical. I'm going to reclaim me and, in the process, set the pain free. I'm going to move on. I'm not going to make any big promises because, if I do, they'll only be broken. But, I am going to face each day with a smile.

Be happy J!

It's all about perception.

My ex wife used to criticise me for not planning enough. I think J would criticise me for planning too much. The truth is neither are right. I do make plans, but not the plans that J thought. My plans consist of dreams, wishes and hopes. Not for me - for my kids and my family!

Today my relationship with J ended. On Thursday J & I spent the evening together - I thought we had a great time although I did realise I made a mistake when I used the "L" word. On Friday J told me that she needed to sort herself out and tonight she phoned to confirm the relationship was over. Whilst I was expecting it, it was still a blow. My marriage ended in a bizarily similar way. My ex-wife and I spent the night together and had, what I thought was, a good time. The following day she told me the marriage was over. It took a long time before I would find out that my ex-wife was having an affair.

Whilst the relationships ended in similar ways they leave different frustrations. My marriage had been dead for sometime. At the time of the break up I didn't love my ex-wife and any upset that I suffered was more out of disappointment that my marriage had failed and I was concerned as to how that would affect my children. This feels different. I thought this relationship was good. I thought that we had a future. I didn't know what that future was or how it would play out (as I said I'm not a planner). I didn't know if I would be a major part of J's life or just a bit part. I didn't really care (I'm pretty easy going) but I could see a future for me and I wanted J to be part of that.

It is gutting knowing that I was wrong!

When I told my daughter....

....to fetch me a brownie,

perhaps, I should have been more specific that I meant a chocolate brownie!

My mobile phone deal

My current mobile phone deal has expired so today I phoned my provider to see what deal they would offer me. The person at the end of the phone offered me a brand spanking new phone with 750 minutes, 3000 texts and unlimited internet for just £20 per month. The deal seemed good but I did enquire as to how many minutes I currently use. The man at the end of the phone answered,

"On average 200 minutes"

"Hmmm...." I muttered, "In that case do I really need 750 minutes?"

"Possibly, not" said the salesperson, "it is true that you are more of a texter then a talker."

"How depressing" I thought. Some people are told that they are lovers rather then fighters.

I, on the other hand, are more of a texter than a talker!

The sap is rising!

Just recently I've noticed that the days are getting longer. I have started to leave for work in daylight (I still arrive home in the dark - but that will come!). Living right next to a canal you get a feeling that the wildlife know that spring is about to burst. The ducks have started to pair up, the swans are protecting their territory and the tiny shoots of recovery are beginning to show on the trees and in the bushes. At any moment new life is going to burst into action. I find this period, this calm before the storm, really exciting.

So, you can imagine how excited I was to open my front door today to find that a pair of coots have decided to build a nest right outside my house,

I can't wait to show the kids!

Soon we will have this:

How lucky am I?

Well, let me tell you Mervyn!

Recently, Mervyn King, the Governor of the Bank of England, has said that he is surprised that the public is not more angry at the Bankers for causing the financial collapse.

Well, let me tell you something Mr King, I am, along with most of the people I know, pissed at the Bankers. In fact I would happily stage a revolution, in this small country, if only I could muster the support of the common people. I would happily impale the heads of the fat cats on stakes at the Tower of London if only I had the support of the majority!

Yes, Mr King, I am pissed! I am annoyed that I have to commute one and half hours to work and that I don't get to see my kids in the evening all because some rich b'stards decided to stake my future on the turn of a wheel. Further, I am really pissed, that those same people are now getting massive million pound bonuses.

So, please Mr King, don't tell me how I feel!

I hate this weather!

At this time of year, when the clouds are grey, I tend to sway from happy to unhappy at a moments notice. I know that none of this is good for me, my relationships or my work-life balance, but it is ME.

This is a post I drafted this week but never posted:

I'm not sure that this post really has a purpose or, even, a beginning, a middle or an end. In fact, I think it is just me rambling. You see, just lately I've been wanting to say, "No!"

I don't know why but, I do know that I've been overwhelmed. I don't think that the sudden emergence, and then disappearance, of Spring has helped. Add to that the fact that my dog may have mouth cancer and I'm feeling a little low. So much so, that I have been thinking I should pack up my life, such that it is, and move back home. Back to where people know my name - back to where people care!

I feel lonely and, whilst I know it is in my control to change that, working 12 hour days doesn't help.

After writing this post the sun began to shine and my mood changed massively such that I was going to post this:



I, sometimes, wish that I could just be average. Instead, I find myself either ecstatic or low!