Last night I was drinking and today I'm suffering. So, as I lay in my bed I grabbed my phone and took a stroll around the blogosphere. It is rare that I look to extend the blogs that I follow. I don't follow many but, the ones I do, I love and I can devote the time to reading them but would struggle with many more. Today, I stumbled upon a new blog, and a particular post, that was clearly moving for both the person writing it and for me reading it.
The post was by Some Mothers Do Ave Em and can be found here. The post tells, in a very moving way, the concern of one mother for her son. It made me cry a little - so please go and read!
It also triggered a memory of mine and, if I may, I would like to take you on a trip into my past. To the period just after the the ex-wife and I had split and the hostility levels were such that I felt uncomfortable attending the school parents evening with her. However, I did have concerns for my daughters education so I contacted the school and asked if I could pay a visit some other time. They duly obliged and I arrived at the school early one morning for a one to one with my daughter's teacher.
There were so many questions I wanted to ask:
1) How can it be that my daughter has suddenly gone from the top of the class to the bottom?
2) Do you think that she may suffer with dyslexia as she seems to be finding it very difficult to pick up reading?
3) Do you think her confidence has been dented as a result of my split from her mother?
I'd asked the first two questions and, whilst the answers I received would turn out to be totally incorrect, it was the answer to the third that changed my perception of this particular teacher.
After I asked, "Do you think her confidence has been dented as a result of my split from her mother?" the teacher looked at me and replied,
"No, not at all. In fact I have had to tell her not to put her hand up to answer questions in class as no-one can understand her." (As well as the dyslexia my daughter suffered, in the early days, with a speech impediment).
The answer to this question came like a blow to the head from Mike Tyson. It winded me. I looked down at the small table, to the ground and then around the classroom. I was in a daze. I looked anywhere but, at the teacher. I was shocked to hear such a thing. I was angry. I looked down some more trying to compose my thoughts. I stayed like that, motionless on the outside, furious on the inside for what seemed like an eternity.
I looked back up at the teacher. I didn't mutter a word but my face must have told the whole story. She sat back in her chair. She looked a little apprehensive.
She looked into my eyes and the apprehension turned to worry. She could see that I wanted to grab her by the hair and throw her around that classroom! She could see that I now, firmly, believed that she was the root of my daughters cracked confidence.
I didn't throw her around the classroom - the fact I had been brought up to respect teachers wouldn't allow it. Instead, I stood up, thanked the teacher for her time, shook her by the hand and walked out.
I felt shaky. I sat down on a concrete step and started to cry.
I knew then that the confidence of my daughter had been fractured and that it would take many a long year to rebuild it.
I love my little girl.
This is outrageous! I am a retired primary school teacher and this is terrible. My email address is
ReplyDeletedenisebydesigns@googl@googlemail email.com
I would ask to speak to the Headteacher - this is dreadful. Drop me an e-mail and I will help you all I can. How old is your daughter?
How awful. I have a tale about one of my teachers when I was eleven and the harm she did to me. It has stayed with me all my life to the present.... I am in fact in the middle of writing about it, so will post it in the near future. Does your daughter still have this same teacher - in which case you need to either thrash it out with her or the Head.
ReplyDeleteWow. That is such a sad memory and you are so right...it does shatter confidence for a lifetime. I recall a similar situation in middle school when I was growing up. A comment that, to this day, makes me incredibly unconfident anytime I ever think about it. It's something I've never talked about on my blog or anywhere, really. Maybe it's time...thank you for the beautiful post, Spencer, beautiful because your love for your children as a father is admirable, to say the least.
ReplyDeleteSpencer, I think about this sort of stuff all the time – how
ReplyDeletethe breakup of my marriage affected my youngest daughter. Every day, even when I say to myself; it doesn’t
matter so much now, she’s 16 – she’s nearly a woman; she doesn’t worry about
it: but she does, I know she does. Even
6 years on its painful. Late on a Sunday
night, when I can’t sleep its painful to me too.
Well, see, now I'm just mad. I know for a fact that I would not have been as calm as you were. One of my sons had a speech delay when he was small. It was very hard to understand most of what he said. Most of the time his brothers or his sister would translate for him. It was frustrating for everyone involved. When one of his teachers did basically the same thing that happened with your daughter, you can bet this Mama Bear went in growling, swinging paws and leaving no survivors. How dare she? How DARE she!?
ReplyDelete(By the way, I know you asked before, but I neglected to respond. My blog is found at wordsfromthewench.blogspot.com)
Some teachers have quite incredible, positive and wonderful affects on our children and others, in one crushing blow, leave somethings with them for life. My daughter will still recount crappy things a particular teacher said to her about the fact that she cried a lot. She was intolerant and short of patience but what my daughter needed at the time was extra support to see her through a difficult patch. The teacher the following year did just that and changed my daughters outlook on life completely. I will love and appreciate her to the end of my days for it. I got very angry with one of my daughter's teachers, it wasn't the most professional way for me to deal with what she was saying but our children are too important to let these things pass. The children only get one shot at it. The teachers, if they stuff up, can try again on new children the next year.
ReplyDeleteDivorce does knock children's confidence and outlook on life. We must accommodate that reality into the way we deal with the split parenting roles that supports our children's needs the best way. What a parent would like may not be best for the child nor what works for one will be ideal for another.
Difficult this parenting thing isn't it.
Spencer - thank you SO much for the incredibly supportive comment on my post. I have arrived here to thank you and of course have just read this post...and so now there is another reason to thank you. I am very thankful that I am not getting this response from his teachers - in fact, it is the extent of their concern which broke through my denial. In the past few days so many people have come out of the woodwork with knowledge and offers of help. I have been overwhelmed by the fact that people are taking my concerns seriously - and are offering their help moving forward.
ReplyDeleteAnyway, thank you. Means a lot. And how great that I got to find your blog.
Gosh that is just awful. I would not have been able to bite my tngue but then who knows, I may have been as shell-shocked as you.
ReplyDeleteMich x
OH NO! What did you end up doing about it? HOW HORRIBLE!! I hope you were able to move E to another class or SOMETHING!
ReplyDelete